the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Archive for October, 2011

Downcast of the Year

[Written on October 30, 2011, Sunday]

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

I was supposed to continue a post containing Harry Potter, Writer’s Block and more…but I wasn’t in the mood for it. So yeah, I deleted it. If I don’t feel the subject then why force myself to continue it with this kind of emotion? I was supposed to feel good today…because of what happened last night.

Although, it was the most dramatic night for me. I just felt like…I should feel good today. Apparently, I’m not. Of course, one reason is because one of the most wonderful instructors I’ve ever met is leaving today. I am so happy to have met him and to be taught by him. I even love those wonderful memories with him like singing in the videoke “We didn’t start the fire” with him. He’s an amazing guy.

The biggest reason, I guess, why I feel so down is the problem between two  friends of mine. I don’t know. I hate to think that I’m involved in it. I’m not even sure.

Although, I then finally heard that there was something up between…mmm, let’s call him “S”. Yeah, there was something up between S and I…but more of S towards me. I actually knew and felt it way back. But in that time, I was never sure. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions.

It wasn’t confirmed until yesterday. Another friend of mine, let’s call him “L”, somehow tried to keep S away from me. I saw that once. We were in a pizza restaurant. Plus, a girl friend of mine also had a feeling about it. She saw it in the tweets of L like an older guy falling in love with blahblahblah which was tweeted long time ago…and also the “hitting on two girls at the same time? Haha goodluck” was tweeted at that time at the restaurant.

Thankfully, L exchanged with S. Actually, at that time, I didn’t get L’s tweet or even what was happening. Only until I went home where I finally got his tweet. And I was all like “Oh.my.gosh” over and over again to myself.

I was afraid…and somehow hurt…because I am somehow involve in this. I don’t know but I just felt it. This just adds to my stress or something. Ugh, why is S such an idiot? Aint this getting any worse? And speaking of which, I must’ve done something too to even pull S towards me without knowing. Fuck. Grrr…I hate this.

As I think about it more and more, I am wary about it. I am wary of his actions…

I can’t shake the thought out of my mind…well, because of that, I’m looking at him quite differently. I’ll just have to be careful.

Other than that as part of the conflict, I can’t help to think that I’m not doing anything about it. It’s always like that for me. I wanted to do something because…I don’t want this to go on, although, I have already tried. It was making a bit of progress after a few days…but then it soon was flushed down the toilet.

I know I have made a mistake at that time. I should’ve been more alert but I was…so blinded by something…by a feeling I guess or just…yeah, jumbled thoughts and hesitations. Even though they say it’s not my fault, I would always think it is. I would always think that why did I even try that. It felt like a waste.

There wasn’t a change in him as what L and I wanted…but hey, it’s hard to change people…because the change can only happen by himself. It’s kinda related to what happen to my cousin and family.

I tried…but it wasn’t enough. This got me quite depressed and…frustrated.

“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

That’s what I said last night to Dennis as we were on our way out of the dark  school campus. It was true. For me, it always happens. In this case, I don’t know if this is the worse. Well, as I have said in the beginning, our workshop instructor, Sr. John Arceo, have left us today to go back home since yesterday was our last day of workshop.

He’s unlike any teacher I have ever met before. I’m gonna have to expand this. He has taught me many things. He has set myself free in expressing myself through improvisations. I still need some work in breaking free but he has started it in me. I am glad he did. This has given me a wholesome experience and discovery in me that I always wanted to dig in more …I think, long time ago.

“You…are deadly. You are going to be deadly on stage. I’m telling you.”

“In all my years of teaching, this is the first time I have seen someone cry in gibberish! First time!”

“I don’t know what your story is. I don’t care. I felt it. You got me right here. [hand on his chest where his heart is] Grabe…”

“You’re a woman numerically but…I still see you as a girl…and that’s ok. You’re still young”

I would never forget what he told me. These aren’t the exact words he said but it has the same meaning. He has inspired me in a way that I can’t explain it. He has given me a way to open myself up even though no one wouldn’t care to hear me or check on me.

What actually happened in the gibberish was I have to think of a moment in the past. When I was in the hotspot, I don’t know what moment to think. What my own mind, what Emy ever gave me were these sad moments, these sad events. I tried looking for a happy moment but I couldn’t remember each detail of it.

In that time, I forgot about Il Volo. Ugh, that must’ve been the first time I didn’t think about it…hahahaha. Although, at the same time, since the gibberish started with Dennis, I felt this heavy feeling…it’s just weighing me down. It’s a depressed feeling. I always feel it when…whenever someone close to me is depressed too…or hurt.

Whenever that happens, I don’t know what to do with myself or with that person. Well, there are times where I know what to do but I’m afraid of what he/she will think of me. Well, mostly the “he”.

Anyway, at that moment, it always leads to somewhere…and that triggers my past. I thought about it. I know I shouldn’t have as the psychiatrist said but…it just happens. Sigh…

I thought about it when  I was given the turn to do it. I couldn’t think about any happy moment because I was blocked by these bad memories…of my past. I didn’t think about Il Volo, my debut, my first play,…anything.

All I thought about was my bad past.

I did it. I let out all my miserable tears and I couldn’t help myself but move. I sounded silly at first, talking gibberish, but then I forgot about it when I focused more on those flashbacks that are playing in my mind. Guh…so much for, “keep calm and happy thoughts”.

Right now, all I could remember at what happened at that present was all a blur. I guess, I was thinking of my past too much…or rather, I was dwelling in the past for too long that I forgot what’s at present.

“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

Yeah, other than Sr. John…there’s one friend I’m going to lose. Not yet. A few weeks from now or so. I never thought we would part ways or anything like that. But this is just damn worse for some reason.

That line I just repeated was…like I said, was what I told to Dennis. I’m not sure if he knows but yeah, that line also was meant for him. He’s one of those good things in my life. Among my guy friends, he’s the nicest one I’ve ever met but complex at the same time.

And again, among my guy friends, he’s just awesome to get along with…that I get too attached and when he gets depressed, I too get depressed–most likely in Twitter. He knows only one moment I cried… It gets me confused but let’s just say it’s another thing I have to think of.

He’s gonna leave after our upcoming production which is named “Pepe”…and just yesterday, I asked him if he’s coming back. I thought he would but after those conflicts, I guess, he won’t…as he explained. I felt so down.

I didn’t want to express it openly…because that will be an additional–you know. I felt it was unnecessary. All that time I was thinking I will never see him again or how could he just leave? But then, sigh, I finally got to poke harshly through that impulsive head of mine.

What triggered it is when Dennis explained more of the situation. Den knew he had to leave because if he stays, it will happen over and over again,—this conflict.

Well, that’s what I understood.

Again, I couldn’t help myself but be depressed of the thought that I couldn’t do anything to resolve this. It’s like I know Dennis…if I try to do something to make him come back…ugh, it wouldn’t work…

Dennis is such a good friend. He has his reasons of leaving, either I know what it is exactly or not. I do but..ugh, I’m confusing myself — I know…he’s doing this for the good of the organization and especially himself. He didn’t want this so he wants to go far away from it.

I wanted to be by his side when he’s in pain so he wouldn’t leave but like I said, surely, he would still leave…nothing would change if there’s this problem between the two.

Sigh—“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

At that point, I have learned to…let go. Well, at least, we still get to communicate. And he said, he would drop by once in a while. I know that throbs my heart but that’s how it’s going to be. I wish I could argue…or whatever…but like I said, somehow…knowing Dennis, it…wouldn’t work.

Even though we’re close, I couldn’t always think about what I want…but what also he wants. How selfish of me to think of what I want to happen. Sigh, turning 18 must’ve brought my mind at clarity Hehehe…

Besides, he has to get a job and go on with his wants for his future. Hehe 🙂

Well, these are the downcast of this year. Although, this is life. Some of these experiences are yet what I have to go through and learn more and more as I grow. This year it mostly involves my feelings, my attachment to special people in my life. Well, I’m all grown up, 18 years old and all.

It’s a part of life.

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The Same Mistake and The Tugging Strings

[Warning: Super long…have time to read this. Please do :)]

Well, uhm….sigh…

yes…I’m in love. I couldn’t confirm it. I’m still confused. Then why do I say that I am. I don’t know. It just—felt like it. As all I know, that’s how they describe this particular feeling. How love can actually be. What’s wrong with saying it? I sound uptight, right?

Uhm…you see…I just don’t favor it anymore. In the past, I fall in love with always the wrong guy.

This may be a dragging post. Something about love and what not. Well, this isn’t the kind that’s disgusting and dramatic…like those of twilight and all that crap. This is not a love story…maybe soon will be…I don’t know. I don’t know what God has planned for me—my thoughts and my feelings for this guy. Ugh…this is just…lame.

Again, I don’t favor love—romantic love—anymore. Uhm, no…I have never…ever been in to a relationship. Never. Never ever in my entire life. No. Before, listening to that was kinda…a sad thing for me. Now? Sigh, it’s just a small tug on the heart but you’ll never see me crying the life out of me. Just a tug.

Just a tug.

When I was young, I kinda think that having a love of your life was the one thing that only matters in this world. As I see it now, people holding hands and showing a small touches of love in public, well, yeah, it shows…everywhere. Before, I was always jealous. I was always dragging myself down. I was always downcast. I was always alone in my room, crying tears of loneliness. How dramatic that life was.

But now—it’s just a tug at the heart. Just a small tug.

Just a tug.

This love I felt for this person as I have stated…it’s so different than those I felt before. Very…very different. Seriously…I can compare it to my past crushes. This was the latest. This was the most unique experiences in my entire life—of love. Guh…that sounded…bleh!

Anyway, I can tell you why. Why this guy is different than the others. It’s so obvious what the differences are—if you are me, it’s quite a heart felt realization. In the past, I always have a crush on guys who are, of course, gwapo (handsome) and has this aura of wanting to impress him and what not. All girls experience this…I guess. It was always like that for me.

In grade school, I was in love with the campus crush in our school. Competition I’ll say. In that time as I have remembered, I think that didn’t even matter as long as I try to get his attention and gaze over him. Yeah…I was kinda the shy type. But I do remember trying to get along with him, staring at his wonderful sketches of trees, listening to him play guitar, hearing him sing one of those Linkin Park songs, acting, and what not. When all the while he’s seen as a negative to some of my girl friends, I was crushing over him. They see him in a bad way because he was such a show off. Well, yeah, I guess in that time, that still didn’t matter to me at all.

It was then until everyone found out about my silly secret…and I never want to show my face ever again in school. Well, hello, he’s the campus crush for heaven’s sake! What do you think? But I had no choice, I have to go to school. As soon as I walked into the classroom, tension rises. His glare was enough to make me feel all small and idiotic.

That was when I was grade 6. Thankfully, we parted as we go on to high school. I’m sure that I didn’t set it up in my mind not to let that happen again. How childish my mind could be. I was over it. I was gonna let him go. Although, he was there in the same high school as I….yet, I didn’t mind him…just a bit of peeks here and there of what he’s doing and that was all. I was having a crush with other guys after all.

One year after another—

The same mistake happened when I was around…1st year? 2nd year? I don’t know….and I have to admit…I was so fucking stupid (sorry for the language). VERY. I was so damn dragged by impulse. I sent a freaking love letter to him. Through friendster pa! Argh!!! That was so effing stupid!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Sigh…and the past repeated itself over again.

Before he received that message, he would joke around with me at small times. He would joke about making libre and all that. After I sent him that message, I was so conscious when I felt his presence…when I just see him. Unlike my crush in grade school, he just…stared. Or rather—glanced.

I remember the 1st time we met after I sent him that message. I was on my way to the canteen. When a few feet away, he was with a couple of guys going on the same direction as I am. I felt all frozen. My breath hitched and switched into taking deep, scared breaths as I walk carefully to the canteen and keeping my eyes at him. Alas, when he made eye contact with me, I can see the recognition in those eyes. It tells. He read it. He knows…guh, I’m so damn freaking stupid.

Ever since that stupid effing incident happen, I hate myself. And yeah, you may have guessed it…it affected my self-esteem. It affected of how I see myself. How weird I am. How much of a freak I am. I guess…that’s when another part of my happy-go-lucky, carefree self from elementary was plucked harshly away from me. I guess I can never promise my past friends…that I would stay the way I am. How could I when I these kinds of things happen to me and I can’t control myself… Yeah, that was the main catalyst of my change. Love. Fucking romantic love.

No, it’s not that everyday is the same focus…love.love.love.love. Oh please…that’s overreacting. If that was the case, then I won’t be in college at all. And yet again, after that incident, I still searched for…love. It’s that same mistake. No….not again. The mistake of not putting it in my head…that I should stop going by my impulse when it comes to…these things.  I know that my impulse is different than the usual Filipinas do. Those years…I wasn’t thinking…I wasn’t thinking hard enough. I wasn’t thinking that there is so much better things in life than finding “true” love.

I realized that the hard way.

I guess it’s because my mind was such a child, so naive…so stupid. It was in college. Yeah, another year…another damn crush. He was good. He was kind. He was handsome, yeah. I was friends with him. Not that super duper close like we can relate to each other. We just like each other’s company…I guess. Maybe that’s what I thought. He was kinda different than the other crushes I had. Just kinda. Because of him, I used group messages (gm) as a way of getting his attention.

Sigh, again, silly me. It was then this one night…he replied to my gm. Well, not really…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. After I sent that, I was guessing his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that. When my cellphone rang, I picked it up and…bang. How coincidental. It really happened. His girlfriend broke up with him. I was in shock…and slowly, I became excited…thinking this was a sign that God is giving me. This is it. Of course…I have never been in a relationship, although, I know what rebound meant. In that time, I wasn’t thinking.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid… Gm after Gm.

And just right in the middle—it was my 17th birthday. It was night time. My family and I were about to leave the house for a birthday dinner out. An unknown number called me. I answered it anyway. To my surprise, it was him. I was overwhelmed by the situation. Idiot.

He just realized it was my birthday and he called just to greet me. I asked him why use call? Huh…he said he is using unli call. He usually does it daw to call his girlfriend.

Fudge…you know, it got me all giddy inside.

Text after text. It then reached to the point where I was lost in my thoughts and all I had was impulse. I go for it. I swallowed my nervousness and texted him.

It was awkward.

I said it…then he said it…and he was like… “what? you love me?” Fuck. I didn’t say anything else after that. My mind was all dizzy.

It was the enrollment for the 2nd sem. I was so tensed. I was so paranoid. I tried to dress well…to look well. So when I meet him…well, yeah, I would…look good to him (Guh– ). My girl blockmates from 1st sem. 1st year college were with me, waiting in (a long)  line to get our PTA, Study load, and grades. I was having a conversation with them. All of a sudden, one of them called out his name. After a second, my heart was plummeting. I turned to the direction to where he is, not knowing what to expect.

I was getting ready for the eye contact. His eyes recognizing mine. That certain spark. That knowing…the wait is over. When we did—I don’t know what freakin’ curse word can describe what I felt in that moment.

I felt…crap…shit I guess. I was pathetic. He just gave me the same eyes. Those same eyes. No whatsoever.

Throughout the ride, I was depressed…mad…both at him and at myself.

Soon, he was just so annoying. He teases more than the usual. He just looks at me at the same way. There was nothing. Nothing at all. It just hurt. I was being used. I was there for him and he just used me to replace the pain, to try to replace her. He used me.

What kind of friend is he? He said it! But—guh! Damn it!

Months passed…

I had few crushes here and there but they were nothing painful or…that much of a big event.

Until—it happened.

I’ve only known him since last year. We weren’t that close before. Now, we are. Just this year…it just happened. I fell in love with him. He was…God…he was extraordinary. The feeling was so damn different. It was…a big blow.

It was the same thing though…I try to get his attention…that’s just it. But—like I said, he was 100% different. Why?

Why?

We’re friends. We’re close. We talk more than the talk I have with my crushes. With my past crushes, it’s hard for me to look at them in the eyes or even maintain a good conversation. With him, it’s just different. I can make eye contact with him as long as I could. I can have good conversations with him.

He would smile when he catches me looking at him or just make a funny face of joy or something like that (and that makes me smile even wider). We can relate to each other; what we like, hate, do, and what not. We are kinda the same. We find ourselves weird.

I can see that he has the same problem with me in society. Like example, we try to make a joke but they just don’t get it. It’s either the way we describe it or they just don’t understand it. I have gone through that (Although, I’m just afraid to tell things to him or to anyone if I just have the same experiences or likes or hates with him/her because they’ll think I’m a copycat or something just to fin or get his attention).

The one thing I like about between us is when we laugh at each other’s jokes, we just don’t care if we’re the only ones laughing or if people look at us weirdly. It’s just a warm feeling about it.

He was different…just because of how close we are. When we first met, I didn’t find him attractive right away…just because of physical flaws here and there. This year…something about him just…hit me. Charisma? I-I don’t know. He just did something to make me feel this way. The way we relate to each other…? I don’t know. He’s just…wonderful.

For the first time in my l–love life(?), I didn’t fall in love because of his looks. I fell in love…with who he is. Just being him.

But with this new angle, with this new perspective…there’s just new experiences to explore.

The most of it…were about my feelings towards him and the things going on between us. It was more tense. More than I have ever felt before.

It was…I was very aware of it. I was quite focus on him during the times spending time with our friends. I would mind him more time to time. I would feel conscious. I would try to get his attention. I would try to be close to him, although, I don’t make it obvious…like when I want to sit beside him but someone got the seat first, I don’t push myself. That would be plain weird…and obsessive of some sort *shivers*.

I would…be jealous of girls with him..so easily. Especially those who have known and been with him way before I came along. It was depressing to know that. Especially this one girl who would hold him by his arm or try to play with him like he’s her boyfriend. Some of the reasons I feel sad about between us. Guh…so..over! Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s just a..yeah, a small tug.

I was once overly depressed when I don’t get his attention. Sigh…that…was pathetic.

Lastly, I would…care for him. I would care for his physical being…and mostly, his well being. When he’s hurt…in the inside…I would be so concern of him that I would disrupt my nervousness of even chatting with him online.

I just…I just don’t want him hurt. I don’t want him depressed. When he’s depressed, I get depressed. I would always ask myself why do you feel this way. Why feel depressed when it’s not happening to you? Why feel this way for him?

I just care for him.

I only met him last year.

But the one thing that just…bothers me…was his belief… He has the somewhat same perspective when it comes to love. I don’t want to explain further.

I don’t know…but it just destroys the whole thing of trying to get him to like me. So much for listening to mom’s advice: waiting for the right person.

But…after those days of depression and…yeah, chasing him, I became like Tom in (500) days of Summer. That thought of knowing that there is more to life than finding the right person.

It happened…last night…or the other night. I cried about him. There was just pain right inside my body. I know that I was really crying tears of sadness and depression. My world just shut down. I forgot why…but I think it’s another one of those reasons where I think that this love for him was another joke in my life, happening again.

I call my past crushes as jokes of love.

This was heart throbbing.

For the first time, I was in this state of confusion..the same way those characters in the movies feel about someone they know…but it was love. I didn’t know what’s this confusion…it just messes me up…badly. I cried…and it made me end up to a place I don’t want to be in.

After that time of hurt, a huge realization dawned over me…just like Tom in (500) days of Summer. Why is this a big deal in my life?

And more importantly, I only met him last year. Just wait. But don’t let him go. We need more time. One year and several months aren’t enough for us. We need more time to spend with each other. We need to learn each other, talk to to each other…more and more as time passed.We need to get to know each other more and more.  Just as friends…let it flow until…maybe, something will happen. Don’t know what…or maybe not.

Ever since…I became numb, empty whenever I meet him, see him, or feel his presence. I only feel…this tug.

Just a tug.

I thought yesterday was fine…I was doing well in taking my mind off those thoughts about him especially when he’s there with me. I was doing so well. I thought I was. Until—at night, last night…he was tweeting depressing stuff. Like I said, I will forever be concern about his well being. I was too late. I just knew when I just check up on my twitter after typing in wordpress.

I wanted to chat with him…but he was not online in facebook. That night was dramatic. With the song playing and the frustrations and depression rising. All the while, I was asking God why is this happening.

“Everything was going well. Everything was fine…why does this have to happen. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”

And it goes on and on. Tears streaming down my face. My body wracking heavy breaths. I didn’t mind my condition in both my physical and mental state. I was trying to communicate with him but he was already getting ready for bed…gonna sleep in his depressed state.

And with that, I fell asleep depressed, crying all the way until to the darkness in thy sight. When I woke up, I was in that place I don’t ever want to be in again.

Well…yeah, I’m in process. I still…like him. love him…w-whatever.

Why do I? Once again, not because of how he looks…but because of who he is. in all my life, he’s way different than the guys I know from my past. He’s way nice….and awesome! 😛 Hahaha…

I just hope…and enjoy life. I’ll just enjoy spending time with him. I couldn’t rush things. Why the fuck would I when I only met him last year. Not long enough between us I guess. There were wonderful memories here and there but we need more to get to know each other.

If I tell him…then I don’t know what will happen.

So I take the time to spend time with him without him knowing how I truly feel for him. At least, without him knowing, I still have this friendship with him.

If he knows and he would be like the others, stare, glare…or avoid, I don’t know what will happen to me.

It seems…through the rest of the days…I would just feel that tug…unlike those painful, heavy hearts I carried before. This is less painful…I guess…it may feel heavy but I control myself. Think well. It would just be a tug. A small tug.

Just a tug on those strings.


Meloxemy; different voices

Why?

This is always the question I encounter to almost every moment of my life. I’m sure everyone agrees so in their lives. It’s that complex question…it’s so complicated to answer and maybe just hard to tell it so.

I encounter this one word, this one question whenever something bad went wrong, whenever I did something wrong, suddenly, intentionally, accidentally, unusually, –in whatever way.

Mostly, for me—this question always comes up when it pertains to purpose. It is quite the same number of times being asked when I did something I didn’t want to happen, either it’s not what I planned or not what I meant to happen.

Purpose.

I have always wanted to write in a blog long time ago. I think I started around in late grade school or maybe in high school. I would start one up in blogger, as it was introduced to me by my dad. I was digging it until after a few posts, I stopped…a very very long period of time. I guess there’s just this part of me who’s such a procrastinator itself.

But I always want to write down all my thoughts. Every part of it. Being a multi-personailty at mind, I tend to have more thoughts than the usual mind can say or take rather.

Now, I always write my thoughts in a notebook…or rather, notebooks.I have lots of them. I have a thing for these. I think I was created to love them without any reason. Well, just one thing for sure, and that’s writing.

In this blog, I will write everything. No regrets. No holding back. But I wont keep my promise of showing any identities. When it’s something that serious, I’d like to keep it hidden—make a symbol rather than it’s true name. When I say that, I mostly mean people’s names. Well—yeah…

Although, there’ll be that shift of emotions, tones, beats, voices–all in all, shift of personalities.

So, this is a way for me to escape. To stop all these voices in my head. To give my mind its relief. To give myself a sanctuary of expression without much judgement from relatives and I will never make that mistake of having this blog known. Because anyway,  no one knows my complete story. All the thoughts inside my head (which are too many).

My mom always say “You’re too nice, Meg”. Well, it’s true. I hate to admit. After a turn of events in my past, I changed. I am not that “too nice” anymore. I know the limits of being nice to people. Although, the things in the past changed the way I am, of course. It always happens to everyone. Though…for me, it affected the way I talk to people.

Trust issues.

The only thing that has never been robbed away from me by my past…was my want to fix people. Fix? Fix, you wonder? Yes—fix people. Yeah, the word kinda’s inspired by the famous song of Coldplay (one of my favorite bands) named Fix You. It actually depends on how close to the person or the people. I am no good at comforting, but still—I want to fix. I want to help. I could not bare the thought of how much my close friends are under such burden or problem.

I care too much for them.

I remember I did one—intervention. Risky. Heart racing. Nerve wracking. Somehow, I hesitated going through it because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it won’t work out. Even though they said it’s not, I would still say it is my fault. I want to fix. I want no more conflict. Even though I was afraid, I got to take this leap of faith. For them…

I love them too much.

Why am I talking of these? My past? My issues? My fixes? My risks?

It’s because I realized something. And it’s the one, main thing why I wanted to put this blog up. I realized I was always alone. I always let friends express themselves. I always encourage them to tell everything. No holding back. I was always there for them. I realized about myself… Always alone to talk all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, all of my problems, all of my pains, all of my insights, all of cries—-everything. It’s only the person who can understand herself. I have no one to talk to.

How lonely…

When I realized this, I cried about it. I have never expressed myself fully to anyone…but me. Always talking to myself alone in my room. Yes, sad, isn’t it? No need of your pity. It’s useless. If you know me, and you’re reading this. Ask yourself…do you care?

I would always say, “Of course not”. In this century, in this time, people have been selfish…in terms of caring people. Sigh—what am I saying? –Although…how about the ones I try to fix? Do I think you care? After trying to fix you, helping you in your troubles and your conflicts? Do I think I will be given the same treatment?

No…it’s the way how this world plays. I know right?

I just…love you too much. Tears shed and all…knowing what I’m doing is selfless and knowing that never in return…the one thing I know in the back of my mind, I need.

Love.

So this blog exists. As I have said, I’ll write every feeling, every thought, every pain, every hurt, every tear, everything as much as I can put words into it.

These thoughts are  in my mind. Mine and Emy‘s.

Just want to escape. Just want to express. Just want it all placed. Just want it all out.

Anyway, who would care to read about my life?

No one.

well, have fun with the folios…art and all 🙂