the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

The Same Mistake and The Tugging Strings

[Warning: Super long…have time to read this. Please do :)]

Well, uhm….sigh…

yes…I’m in love. I couldn’t confirm it. I’m still confused. Then why do I say that I am. I don’t know. It just—felt like it. As all I know, that’s how they describe this particular feeling. How love can actually be. What’s wrong with saying it? I sound uptight, right?

Uhm…you see…I just don’t favor it anymore. In the past, I fall in love with always the wrong guy.

This may be a dragging post. Something about love and what not. Well, this isn’t the kind that’s disgusting and dramatic…like those of twilight and all that crap. This is not a love story…maybe soon will be…I don’t know. I don’t know what God has planned for me—my thoughts and my feelings for this guy. Ugh…this is just…lame.

Again, I don’t favor love—romantic love—anymore. Uhm, no…I have never…ever been in to a relationship. Never. Never ever in my entire life. No. Before, listening to that was kinda…a sad thing for me. Now? Sigh, it’s just a small tug on the heart but you’ll never see me crying the life out of me. Just a tug.

Just a tug.

When I was young, I kinda think that having a love of your life was the one thing that only matters in this world. As I see it now, people holding hands and showing a small touches of love in public, well, yeah, it shows…everywhere. Before, I was always jealous. I was always dragging myself down. I was always downcast. I was always alone in my room, crying tears of loneliness. How dramatic that life was.

But now—it’s just a tug at the heart. Just a small tug.

Just a tug.

This love I felt for this person as I have stated…it’s so different than those I felt before. Very…very different. Seriously…I can compare it to my past crushes. This was the latest. This was the most unique experiences in my entire life—of love. Guh…that sounded…bleh!

Anyway, I can tell you why. Why this guy is different than the others. It’s so obvious what the differences are—if you are me, it’s quite a heart felt realization. In the past, I always have a crush on guys who are, of course, gwapo (handsome) and has this aura of wanting to impress him and what not. All girls experience this…I guess. It was always like that for me.

In grade school, I was in love with the campus crush in our school. Competition I’ll say. In that time as I have remembered, I think that didn’t even matter as long as I try to get his attention and gaze over him. Yeah…I was kinda the shy type. But I do remember trying to get along with him, staring at his wonderful sketches of trees, listening to him play guitar, hearing him sing one of those Linkin Park songs, acting, and what not. When all the while he’s seen as a negative to some of my girl friends, I was crushing over him. They see him in a bad way because he was such a show off. Well, yeah, I guess in that time, that still didn’t matter to me at all.

It was then until everyone found out about my silly secret…and I never want to show my face ever again in school. Well, hello, he’s the campus crush for heaven’s sake! What do you think? But I had no choice, I have to go to school. As soon as I walked into the classroom, tension rises. His glare was enough to make me feel all small and idiotic.

That was when I was grade 6. Thankfully, we parted as we go on to high school. I’m sure that I didn’t set it up in my mind not to let that happen again. How childish my mind could be. I was over it. I was gonna let him go. Although, he was there in the same high school as I….yet, I didn’t mind him…just a bit of peeks here and there of what he’s doing and that was all. I was having a crush with other guys after all.

One year after another—

The same mistake happened when I was around…1st year? 2nd year? I don’t know….and I have to admit…I was so fucking stupid (sorry for the language). VERY. I was so damn dragged by impulse. I sent a freaking love letter to him. Through friendster pa! Argh!!! That was so effing stupid!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Sigh…and the past repeated itself over again.

Before he received that message, he would joke around with me at small times. He would joke about making libre and all that. After I sent him that message, I was so conscious when I felt his presence…when I just see him. Unlike my crush in grade school, he just…stared. Or rather—glanced.

I remember the 1st time we met after I sent him that message. I was on my way to the canteen. When a few feet away, he was with a couple of guys going on the same direction as I am. I felt all frozen. My breath hitched and switched into taking deep, scared breaths as I walk carefully to the canteen and keeping my eyes at him. Alas, when he made eye contact with me, I can see the recognition in those eyes. It tells. He read it. He knows…guh, I’m so damn freaking stupid.

Ever since that stupid effing incident happen, I hate myself. And yeah, you may have guessed it…it affected my self-esteem. It affected of how I see myself. How weird I am. How much of a freak I am. I guess…that’s when another part of my happy-go-lucky, carefree self from elementary was plucked harshly away from me. I guess I can never promise my past friends…that I would stay the way I am. How could I when I these kinds of things happen to me and I can’t control myself… Yeah, that was the main catalyst of my change. Love. Fucking romantic love.

No, it’s not that everyday is the same focus…love.love.love.love. Oh please…that’s overreacting. If that was the case, then I won’t be in college at all. And yet again, after that incident, I still searched for…love. It’s that same mistake. No….not again. The mistake of not putting it in my head…that I should stop going by my impulse when it comes to…these things.  I know that my impulse is different than the usual Filipinas do. Those years…I wasn’t thinking…I wasn’t thinking hard enough. I wasn’t thinking that there is so much better things in life than finding “true” love.

I realized that the hard way.

I guess it’s because my mind was such a child, so naive…so stupid. It was in college. Yeah, another year…another damn crush. He was good. He was kind. He was handsome, yeah. I was friends with him. Not that super duper close like we can relate to each other. We just like each other’s company…I guess. Maybe that’s what I thought. He was kinda different than the other crushes I had. Just kinda. Because of him, I used group messages (gm) as a way of getting his attention.

Sigh, again, silly me. It was then this one night…he replied to my gm. Well, not really…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. After I sent that, I was guessing his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that. When my cellphone rang, I picked it up and…bang. How coincidental. It really happened. His girlfriend broke up with him. I was in shock…and slowly, I became excited…thinking this was a sign that God is giving me. This is it. Of course…I have never been in a relationship, although, I know what rebound meant. In that time, I wasn’t thinking.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid… Gm after Gm.

And just right in the middle—it was my 17th birthday. It was night time. My family and I were about to leave the house for a birthday dinner out. An unknown number called me. I answered it anyway. To my surprise, it was him. I was overwhelmed by the situation. Idiot.

He just realized it was my birthday and he called just to greet me. I asked him why use call? Huh…he said he is using unli call. He usually does it daw to call his girlfriend.

Fudge…you know, it got me all giddy inside.

Text after text. It then reached to the point where I was lost in my thoughts and all I had was impulse. I go for it. I swallowed my nervousness and texted him.

It was awkward.

I said it…then he said it…and he was like… “what? you love me?” Fuck. I didn’t say anything else after that. My mind was all dizzy.

It was the enrollment for the 2nd sem. I was so tensed. I was so paranoid. I tried to dress well…to look well. So when I meet him…well, yeah, I would…look good to him (Guh– ). My girl blockmates from 1st sem. 1st year college were with me, waiting in (a long)  line to get our PTA, Study load, and grades. I was having a conversation with them. All of a sudden, one of them called out his name. After a second, my heart was plummeting. I turned to the direction to where he is, not knowing what to expect.

I was getting ready for the eye contact. His eyes recognizing mine. That certain spark. That knowing…the wait is over. When we did—I don’t know what freakin’ curse word can describe what I felt in that moment.

I felt…crap…shit I guess. I was pathetic. He just gave me the same eyes. Those same eyes. No whatsoever.

Throughout the ride, I was depressed…mad…both at him and at myself.

Soon, he was just so annoying. He teases more than the usual. He just looks at me at the same way. There was nothing. Nothing at all. It just hurt. I was being used. I was there for him and he just used me to replace the pain, to try to replace her. He used me.

What kind of friend is he? He said it! But—guh! Damn it!

Months passed…

I had few crushes here and there but they were nothing painful or…that much of a big event.

Until—it happened.

I’ve only known him since last year. We weren’t that close before. Now, we are. Just this year…it just happened. I fell in love with him. He was…God…he was extraordinary. The feeling was so damn different. It was…a big blow.

It was the same thing though…I try to get his attention…that’s just it. But—like I said, he was 100% different. Why?

Why?

We’re friends. We’re close. We talk more than the talk I have with my crushes. With my past crushes, it’s hard for me to look at them in the eyes or even maintain a good conversation. With him, it’s just different. I can make eye contact with him as long as I could. I can have good conversations with him.

He would smile when he catches me looking at him or just make a funny face of joy or something like that (and that makes me smile even wider). We can relate to each other; what we like, hate, do, and what not. We are kinda the same. We find ourselves weird.

I can see that he has the same problem with me in society. Like example, we try to make a joke but they just don’t get it. It’s either the way we describe it or they just don’t understand it. I have gone through that (Although, I’m just afraid to tell things to him or to anyone if I just have the same experiences or likes or hates with him/her because they’ll think I’m a copycat or something just to fin or get his attention).

The one thing I like about between us is when we laugh at each other’s jokes, we just don’t care if we’re the only ones laughing or if people look at us weirdly. It’s just a warm feeling about it.

He was different…just because of how close we are. When we first met, I didn’t find him attractive right away…just because of physical flaws here and there. This year…something about him just…hit me. Charisma? I-I don’t know. He just did something to make me feel this way. The way we relate to each other…? I don’t know. He’s just…wonderful.

For the first time in my l–love life(?), I didn’t fall in love because of his looks. I fell in love…with who he is. Just being him.

But with this new angle, with this new perspective…there’s just new experiences to explore.

The most of it…were about my feelings towards him and the things going on between us. It was more tense. More than I have ever felt before.

It was…I was very aware of it. I was quite focus on him during the times spending time with our friends. I would mind him more time to time. I would feel conscious. I would try to get his attention. I would try to be close to him, although, I don’t make it obvious…like when I want to sit beside him but someone got the seat first, I don’t push myself. That would be plain weird…and obsessive of some sort *shivers*.

I would…be jealous of girls with him..so easily. Especially those who have known and been with him way before I came along. It was depressing to know that. Especially this one girl who would hold him by his arm or try to play with him like he’s her boyfriend. Some of the reasons I feel sad about between us. Guh…so..over! Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s just a..yeah, a small tug.

I was once overly depressed when I don’t get his attention. Sigh…that…was pathetic.

Lastly, I would…care for him. I would care for his physical being…and mostly, his well being. When he’s hurt…in the inside…I would be so concern of him that I would disrupt my nervousness of even chatting with him online.

I just…I just don’t want him hurt. I don’t want him depressed. When he’s depressed, I get depressed. I would always ask myself why do you feel this way. Why feel depressed when it’s not happening to you? Why feel this way for him?

I just care for him.

I only met him last year.

But the one thing that just…bothers me…was his belief… He has the somewhat same perspective when it comes to love. I don’t want to explain further.

I don’t know…but it just destroys the whole thing of trying to get him to like me. So much for listening to mom’s advice: waiting for the right person.

But…after those days of depression and…yeah, chasing him, I became like Tom in (500) days of Summer. That thought of knowing that there is more to life than finding the right person.

It happened…last night…or the other night. I cried about him. There was just pain right inside my body. I know that I was really crying tears of sadness and depression. My world just shut down. I forgot why…but I think it’s another one of those reasons where I think that this love for him was another joke in my life, happening again.

I call my past crushes as jokes of love.

This was heart throbbing.

For the first time, I was in this state of confusion..the same way those characters in the movies feel about someone they know…but it was love. I didn’t know what’s this confusion…it just messes me up…badly. I cried…and it made me end up to a place I don’t want to be in.

After that time of hurt, a huge realization dawned over me…just like Tom in (500) days of Summer. Why is this a big deal in my life?

And more importantly, I only met him last year. Just wait. But don’t let him go. We need more time. One year and several months aren’t enough for us. We need more time to spend with each other. We need to learn each other, talk to to each other…more and more as time passed.We need to get to know each other more and more.  Just as friends…let it flow until…maybe, something will happen. Don’t know what…or maybe not.

Ever since…I became numb, empty whenever I meet him, see him, or feel his presence. I only feel…this tug.

Just a tug.

I thought yesterday was fine…I was doing well in taking my mind off those thoughts about him especially when he’s there with me. I was doing so well. I thought I was. Until—at night, last night…he was tweeting depressing stuff. Like I said, I will forever be concern about his well being. I was too late. I just knew when I just check up on my twitter after typing in wordpress.

I wanted to chat with him…but he was not online in facebook. That night was dramatic. With the song playing and the frustrations and depression rising. All the while, I was asking God why is this happening.

“Everything was going well. Everything was fine…why does this have to happen. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”

And it goes on and on. Tears streaming down my face. My body wracking heavy breaths. I didn’t mind my condition in both my physical and mental state. I was trying to communicate with him but he was already getting ready for bed…gonna sleep in his depressed state.

And with that, I fell asleep depressed, crying all the way until to the darkness in thy sight. When I woke up, I was in that place I don’t ever want to be in again.

Well…yeah, I’m in process. I still…like him. love him…w-whatever.

Why do I? Once again, not because of how he looks…but because of who he is. in all my life, he’s way different than the guys I know from my past. He’s way nice….and awesome! 😛 Hahaha…

I just hope…and enjoy life. I’ll just enjoy spending time with him. I couldn’t rush things. Why the fuck would I when I only met him last year. Not long enough between us I guess. There were wonderful memories here and there but we need more to get to know each other.

If I tell him…then I don’t know what will happen.

So I take the time to spend time with him without him knowing how I truly feel for him. At least, without him knowing, I still have this friendship with him.

If he knows and he would be like the others, stare, glare…or avoid, I don’t know what will happen to me.

It seems…through the rest of the days…I would just feel that tug…unlike those painful, heavy hearts I carried before. This is less painful…I guess…it may feel heavy but I control myself. Think well. It would just be a tug. A small tug.

Just a tug on those strings.

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