the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Downcast of the Year

[Written on October 30, 2011, Sunday]

I don’t know what to feel anymore.

I was supposed to continue a post containing Harry Potter, Writer’s Block and more…but I wasn’t in the mood for it. So yeah, I deleted it. If I don’t feel the subject then why force myself to continue it with this kind of emotion? I was supposed to feel good today…because of what happened last night.

Although, it was the most dramatic night for me. I just felt like…I should feel good today. Apparently, I’m not. Of course, one reason is because one of the most wonderful instructors I’ve ever met is leaving today. I am so happy to have met him and to be taught by him. I even love those wonderful memories with him like singing in the videoke “We didn’t start the fire” with him. He’s an amazing guy.

The biggest reason, I guess, why I feel so down is the problem between two  friends of mine. I don’t know. I hate to think that I’m involved in it. I’m not even sure.

Although, I then finally heard that there was something up between…mmm, let’s call him “S”. Yeah, there was something up between S and I…but more of S towards me. I actually knew and felt it way back. But in that time, I was never sure. I didn’t want to jump into conclusions.

It wasn’t confirmed until yesterday. Another friend of mine, let’s call him “L”, somehow tried to keep S away from me. I saw that once. We were in a pizza restaurant. Plus, a girl friend of mine also had a feeling about it. She saw it in the tweets of L like an older guy falling in love with blahblahblah which was tweeted long time ago…and also the “hitting on two girls at the same time? Haha goodluck” was tweeted at that time at the restaurant.

Thankfully, L exchanged with S. Actually, at that time, I didn’t get L’s tweet or even what was happening. Only until I went home where I finally got his tweet. And I was all like “Oh.my.gosh” over and over again to myself.

I was afraid…and somehow hurt…because I am somehow involve in this. I don’t know but I just felt it. This just adds to my stress or something. Ugh, why is S such an idiot? Aint this getting any worse? And speaking of which, I must’ve done something too to even pull S towards me without knowing. Fuck. Grrr…I hate this.

As I think about it more and more, I am wary about it. I am wary of his actions…

I can’t shake the thought out of my mind…well, because of that, I’m looking at him quite differently. I’ll just have to be careful.

Other than that as part of the conflict, I can’t help to think that I’m not doing anything about it. It’s always like that for me. I wanted to do something because…I don’t want this to go on, although, I have already tried. It was making a bit of progress after a few days…but then it soon was flushed down the toilet.

I know I have made a mistake at that time. I should’ve been more alert but I was…so blinded by something…by a feeling I guess or just…yeah, jumbled thoughts and hesitations. Even though they say it’s not my fault, I would always think it is. I would always think that why did I even try that. It felt like a waste.

There wasn’t a change in him as what L and I wanted…but hey, it’s hard to change people…because the change can only happen by himself. It’s kinda related to what happen to my cousin and family.

I tried…but it wasn’t enough. This got me quite depressed and…frustrated.

“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

That’s what I said last night to Dennis as we were on our way out of the dark  school campus. It was true. For me, it always happens. In this case, I don’t know if this is the worse. Well, as I have said in the beginning, our workshop instructor, Sr. John Arceo, have left us today to go back home since yesterday was our last day of workshop.

He’s unlike any teacher I have ever met before. I’m gonna have to expand this. He has taught me many things. He has set myself free in expressing myself through improvisations. I still need some work in breaking free but he has started it in me. I am glad he did. This has given me a wholesome experience and discovery in me that I always wanted to dig in more …I think, long time ago.

“You…are deadly. You are going to be deadly on stage. I’m telling you.”

“In all my years of teaching, this is the first time I have seen someone cry in gibberish! First time!”

“I don’t know what your story is. I don’t care. I felt it. You got me right here. [hand on his chest where his heart is] Grabe…”

“You’re a woman numerically but…I still see you as a girl…and that’s ok. You’re still young”

I would never forget what he told me. These aren’t the exact words he said but it has the same meaning. He has inspired me in a way that I can’t explain it. He has given me a way to open myself up even though no one wouldn’t care to hear me or check on me.

What actually happened in the gibberish was I have to think of a moment in the past. When I was in the hotspot, I don’t know what moment to think. What my own mind, what Emy ever gave me were these sad moments, these sad events. I tried looking for a happy moment but I couldn’t remember each detail of it.

In that time, I forgot about Il Volo. Ugh, that must’ve been the first time I didn’t think about it…hahahaha. Although, at the same time, since the gibberish started with Dennis, I felt this heavy feeling…it’s just weighing me down. It’s a depressed feeling. I always feel it when…whenever someone close to me is depressed too…or hurt.

Whenever that happens, I don’t know what to do with myself or with that person. Well, there are times where I know what to do but I’m afraid of what he/she will think of me. Well, mostly the “he”.

Anyway, at that moment, it always leads to somewhere…and that triggers my past. I thought about it. I know I shouldn’t have as the psychiatrist said but…it just happens. Sigh…

I thought about it when  I was given the turn to do it. I couldn’t think about any happy moment because I was blocked by these bad memories…of my past. I didn’t think about Il Volo, my debut, my first play,…anything.

All I thought about was my bad past.

I did it. I let out all my miserable tears and I couldn’t help myself but move. I sounded silly at first, talking gibberish, but then I forgot about it when I focused more on those flashbacks that are playing in my mind. Guh…so much for, “keep calm and happy thoughts”.

Right now, all I could remember at what happened at that present was all a blur. I guess, I was thinking of my past too much…or rather, I was dwelling in the past for too long that I forgot what’s at present.

“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

Yeah, other than Sr. John…there’s one friend I’m going to lose. Not yet. A few weeks from now or so. I never thought we would part ways or anything like that. But this is just damn worse for some reason.

That line I just repeated was…like I said, was what I told to Dennis. I’m not sure if he knows but yeah, that line also was meant for him. He’s one of those good things in my life. Among my guy friends, he’s the nicest one I’ve ever met but complex at the same time.

And again, among my guy friends, he’s just awesome to get along with…that I get too attached and when he gets depressed, I too get depressed–most likely in Twitter. He knows only one moment I cried… It gets me confused but let’s just say it’s another thing I have to think of.

He’s gonna leave after our upcoming production which is named “Pepe”…and just yesterday, I asked him if he’s coming back. I thought he would but after those conflicts, I guess, he won’t…as he explained. I felt so down.

I didn’t want to express it openly…because that will be an additional–you know. I felt it was unnecessary. All that time I was thinking I will never see him again or how could he just leave? But then, sigh, I finally got to poke harshly through that impulsive head of mine.

What triggered it is when Dennis explained more of the situation. Den knew he had to leave because if he stays, it will happen over and over again,—this conflict.

Well, that’s what I understood.

Again, I couldn’t help myself but be depressed of the thought that I couldn’t do anything to resolve this. It’s like I know Dennis…if I try to do something to make him come back…ugh, it wouldn’t work…

Dennis is such a good friend. He has his reasons of leaving, either I know what it is exactly or not. I do but..ugh, I’m confusing myself — I know…he’s doing this for the good of the organization and especially himself. He didn’t want this so he wants to go far away from it.

I wanted to be by his side when he’s in pain so he wouldn’t leave but like I said, surely, he would still leave…nothing would change if there’s this problem between the two.

Sigh—“Why do the good things in life go away? I hate this. It always happens”

At that point, I have learned to…let go. Well, at least, we still get to communicate. And he said, he would drop by once in a while. I know that throbs my heart but that’s how it’s going to be. I wish I could argue…or whatever…but like I said, somehow…knowing Dennis, it…wouldn’t work.

Even though we’re close, I couldn’t always think about what I want…but what also he wants. How selfish of me to think of what I want to happen. Sigh, turning 18 must’ve brought my mind at clarity Hehehe…

Besides, he has to get a job and go on with his wants for his future. Hehe 🙂

Well, these are the downcast of this year. Although, this is life. Some of these experiences are yet what I have to go through and learn more and more as I grow. This year it mostly involves my feelings, my attachment to special people in my life. Well, I’m all grown up, 18 years old and all.

It’s a part of life.

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