the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Archive for November, 2011

Don’t come back for me, Don’t come back at all

Jar of Hearts
By Christina Perri 

I know, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You’re lookin’ to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are? 

This is the one song that was following me since my debut and this is the first song I heard from Christina Perri. I thought it was one of those songs I don’t wanna hear. Well, I thought of checking it out and well…I relate to it. Somehow. This was dedicated to the person who introduced me to it. He was the one who sang it in my debut. It’s weird. He’s singing such an anger, heart broken, cheated on song in my debut.

Is he referring it to me? I don’t know with him.

Well, if he is, he’s so wrong…the table is turned in the wrong direction. He’s the one who broke my heart.

Last year—that  time I had a crush on him. I would make group messages just to catch his attention…the quote alone says it so. It would work. He would text me and it would make me smile. It felt like I was floating, winning…but quite near…just near. Then, this one time, it was few days before my 17th birthday…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. I guessed, it was because his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that.

My cellphone rang and I picked up. Well, what do you know! Such a coincidence. His girlfriend broke up with him. In that time, I was feeling excited, thinking this was a sign God is giving me. It turns out to be a different. On my birthday, as my family and I were leaving for a birthday night out to LKK, an unknown number called. I picked it up anyway. It was actually him.

The shy girl that I am, I was talking…somewhat…awkwardly. He just called just to say “Happy Birthday”. What girl wouldn’t be giddy about a guy calling her to say that? He said one of our friends reminded him and so he had to call. When I was in the car, I asked him why call me when he could just post in facebook or something. That’s when impulse started to develop once more. He told me he’s using UNLICOMBO, in this case, UNLICALL…and he usually uses it to call his ex-girlfriend. . .guh.

I may be disgusted now…but in that time, I was dying inside. I felt hope…but that wasn’t it. We were texting each other at that night. The main event, the climax, happened when my family and I were back home from a night out in Figaro (not on my birthday; sembreak). We exchanged a conversation that started in a mood for confessions. I don’t know what I was thinking. Right now, I couldn’t even remember what really happened or what we said to turn up into this now known bad memory.

All I know was I said it…in a way but not in those three words. He was the one who first said it. “Ok, goodnight. Ily, meg“.

Stunned.

I said mine. “Goodnight, ILY too”

Shaking.

“What? You love me?”

Breaking.

“You said it first”

Awkward.

Dying.

“Never mind. Forget what I said, A*****” —-and that’s what I said. I sent those last two text messages. He didn’t reply. That was a Saturday. I was so impulsive, so stupid.

I was paranoid all the time when we were gonna enroll for the 2nd semester. My girl friends and I were lining up to get our PTA, Study Load, and Final Grades. We were just talking to past the time and not get irritated by the heat, and the waiting.

It was then he arrived. I froze. When one of my friends called out his name, my heart started feeling heavy at one second. I turned to him hesitantly. I waited. I waited for that recognition from his eyes. I waited for that difference between us….but that was hoping…too much hoping.

There was that difference…but not the difference I expected. He recognized me but then only leaving his first conversation after that incident a strange one. “Hi, Meg” He was giving that small smile. It was that same smile that was given to me when someone knew…and I know it will turn out bad…it always does for me.

And there I was…awkward in his presence. Awkward when I look at him, meet him, talk to him. I was dying. All that time, I knew it was…rebound. He used me. He thought of me as his ex-girlfriend just to heal the pain. He was pretending that I was her…through text. I was nothing to him. I was just…someone there to heal him.

I was used.

Now, we are still…friends. But never the same closeness with the special people in my life…of course. He sounded flirty at me once, days before my debut…but that was nothing to me anymore. He didn’t look attractive to me anymore. He’s now just a guy in my life who I know but nothing special…but just someone who reminds me of what I was like if I don’t be careful.

I don’t blame God. He was trying to show me another reality in life. It hurts…but I have grown stronger now. It has developed me. Unfortunately, this has also overwhelmed my trust issues. No one would collect from my jar of heart and use me. I hate being used. It drives me out of thinking of my purpose. It hurts to know that someone who I know just wants to use me for their own benefits. I don’t want that again.

I am someone…I’m a person. A reality.

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When You’re Lonely

Empty Sky
By Simon Wilcox

Don’t
Don’t you stop, hesitate at the door
You’re a country; you’re a village
And I break down at your border

You always close your eyes
When you’re trying to find the answer
You turn to me and smile
“Will you come a little closer?”

You see the skies are empty tonight
But I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
And you’ll believe in things –that you can’t see
Like air, faith, and sometimes me.

Stop.
That’s enough. Yeah, we’ve been here before
You’re a teardrop; you’re an ocean
And I watch you from the shore

You always close your eyes
When you’re trying to find the answer
You turn to me and smile
“Will you come a little closer?”

You see the skies are empty tonight
But I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
And you’ll believe in thins—that you can’t see
Like air, and faith, and sometimes me.

Ohhh, Ohh, Oh,
 I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely

Oooh, Oohh
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you (2x)
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely

You see the skies they’re empty tonight
Look at the skies they’re empty tonight
You see the skies they’re empty tonight
They’re empty—tonight

How did I end up listening to this song? I was just looking for the Finale – Danny Elfman audio video in youtube so I can download it but then this song has caught my eye “Empty Sky”. It’s the soundtrack of the movie “Brothers” (Starring Toby McGuire and Jake Gyllenhaal). I thought it would just be an instrumental  but it turns out to be a song.

As a music lover, I love songs because of different reasons and one of them is the lyrics. Mostly I love the lyrics because it has a relation to me. That’s why I kinda made a category named “Lyrical” over here.

This song is a message for a certain person in my life. It’s hard to communicate with him or even comfort him in times when he’s depressed. He gives me that heavy feeling in my torso whenever he is. It’s like…well, it is for the first time to feel this kind of heavy feeling of depression when he’s at that state…even online.

The message kinda tells, in my own want, that I am always here for you when you’re down, depressed or lonely. I know I may be something not that big to you but I will be there for you because I care.

The first underlined sentence up there “Don’t you stop; hesitate at the door”.

He shouldn’t hesitate to come to me in need of comfort. I may not be good at comforting or that much of an eyesight to you but I will still care for you and listen to you when you’re down.

“And I break down at your border”.

This has a way of explaining what I feel if I don’t do anything to help him at his times of depression. I am somehow out of his focus…like he doesn’t know I’m even there to comfort him, to help him. I have a hard time reaching out to him because of the boundary that’s there in front of his eyes. Because of this frustration, all my own mind and impulse can feel is to cry about it or be depressed about it.

I always check myself, ask questions, so as to think the next day that I cried for something worthy of it…not pointless, useless like it was before. I always ask myself about the situation.

“I’ll surround you when you’re lonely. You’ll believe in things–that you can’t see Like air and faith–and sometimes me.

Like I said, I will always be there for him (be there for anyone) when he needs me. I will try and try to reach out to him when he’s lonely, depressed and such. I have already told him that “I’m here for you” but I don’t think he sees me… Hopefully, he’ll realize, know, see things more brightly, and even see me at a different light…that I’m not only a sideline friend but someone who’s always there for him.

“Yeah, we’ve been here before”

This has always happened. He’s not the only one who feels down at times like these.

“You’re a teardrop; you’re an ocean And I watch you–from the shore”

Same thing but in a new view. I see him as someone fragile yet amazing at the same time. He’s someone ideal and great in his own ways. Although, as he becomes fragile, hurt, depressed or even lonely…I just watch him and feel so crushed inside to do so….wanting to help him but I don’t know why I hesitate. You’re just too big, too complex, too complicated for me to understand that I don’t know how to approach in your times of downcast, depression.

I don’t want to see you, feel you in pain again.

I’ll surround you, be there for you, when you’re lonely.