the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Don’t come back for me, Don’t come back at all

Jar of Hearts
By Christina Perri 

I know, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You’re lookin’ to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are? 

This is the one song that was following me since my debut and this is the first song I heard from Christina Perri. I thought it was one of those songs I don’t wanna hear. Well, I thought of checking it out and well…I relate to it. Somehow. This was dedicated to the person who introduced me to it. He was the one who sang it in my debut. It’s weird. He’s singing such an anger, heart broken, cheated on song in my debut.

Is he referring it to me? I don’t know with him.

Well, if he is, he’s so wrong…the table is turned in the wrong direction. He’s the one who broke my heart.

Last year—that  time I had a crush on him. I would make group messages just to catch his attention…the quote alone says it so. It would work. He would text me and it would make me smile. It felt like I was floating, winning…but quite near…just near. Then, this one time, it was few days before my 17th birthday…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. I guessed, it was because his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that.

My cellphone rang and I picked up. Well, what do you know! Such a coincidence. His girlfriend broke up with him. In that time, I was feeling excited, thinking this was a sign God is giving me. It turns out to be a different. On my birthday, as my family and I were leaving for a birthday night out to LKK, an unknown number called. I picked it up anyway. It was actually him.

The shy girl that I am, I was talking…somewhat…awkwardly. He just called just to say “Happy Birthday”. What girl wouldn’t be giddy about a guy calling her to say that? He said one of our friends reminded him and so he had to call. When I was in the car, I asked him why call me when he could just post in facebook or something. That’s when impulse started to develop once more. He told me he’s using UNLICOMBO, in this case, UNLICALL…and he usually uses it to call his ex-girlfriend. . .guh.

I may be disgusted now…but in that time, I was dying inside. I felt hope…but that wasn’t it. We were texting each other at that night. The main event, the climax, happened when my family and I were back home from a night out in Figaro (not on my birthday; sembreak). We exchanged a conversation that started in a mood for confessions. I don’t know what I was thinking. Right now, I couldn’t even remember what really happened or what we said to turn up into this now known bad memory.

All I know was I said it…in a way but not in those three words. He was the one who first said it. “Ok, goodnight. Ily, meg“.

Stunned.

I said mine. “Goodnight, ILY too”

Shaking.

“What? You love me?”

Breaking.

“You said it first”

Awkward.

Dying.

“Never mind. Forget what I said, A*****” —-and that’s what I said. I sent those last two text messages. He didn’t reply. That was a Saturday. I was so impulsive, so stupid.

I was paranoid all the time when we were gonna enroll for the 2nd semester. My girl friends and I were lining up to get our PTA, Study Load, and Final Grades. We were just talking to past the time and not get irritated by the heat, and the waiting.

It was then he arrived. I froze. When one of my friends called out his name, my heart started feeling heavy at one second. I turned to him hesitantly. I waited. I waited for that recognition from his eyes. I waited for that difference between us….but that was hoping…too much hoping.

There was that difference…but not the difference I expected. He recognized me but then only leaving his first conversation after that incident a strange one. “Hi, Meg” He was giving that small smile. It was that same smile that was given to me when someone knew…and I know it will turn out bad…it always does for me.

And there I was…awkward in his presence. Awkward when I look at him, meet him, talk to him. I was dying. All that time, I knew it was…rebound. He used me. He thought of me as his ex-girlfriend just to heal the pain. He was pretending that I was her…through text. I was nothing to him. I was just…someone there to heal him.

I was used.

Now, we are still…friends. But never the same closeness with the special people in my life…of course. He sounded flirty at me once, days before my debut…but that was nothing to me anymore. He didn’t look attractive to me anymore. He’s now just a guy in my life who I know but nothing special…but just someone who reminds me of what I was like if I don’t be careful.

I don’t blame God. He was trying to show me another reality in life. It hurts…but I have grown stronger now. It has developed me. Unfortunately, this has also overwhelmed my trust issues. No one would collect from my jar of heart and use me. I hate being used. It drives me out of thinking of my purpose. It hurts to know that someone who I know just wants to use me for their own benefits. I don’t want that again.

I am someone…I’m a person. A reality.

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3 responses

  1. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally,
    it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.
    You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving
    us something informative to read?

    May 9, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    • Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it a lot 🙂 will do!

      May 10, 2013 at 12:10 am

    • Thank you for your comment 🙂 I appreciate it a lot! Will do ! xx

      May 10, 2013 at 2:16 am

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