the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Empty Mess

I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know! I was tired all day. I was anxious all day. I heard voices all day. I was waiting. Waiting for the time where they are there for me. I was waiting for that moment where I know everything will be alright. They always make it better. First thing was I looked fine but in the inside I’m just agonized by these voices popping in my head. I controlled myself, aware that the people I love are around me…I just don’t want them to see me like this. They had enough to deal with. There are some who I know are so selfish to even bother me so why show how much I’m suffering when they just don’t fucking care.

This is so frustrating! So FUCKING frustrating! I hate this! I this so much! Why do I have to go through this? Mixed emotions and all that damn shit. I wish they would go away. I prayed to God to take my emotions all away. I could not take it. But I know he won’t because he wanted me to live with them….and it would be abnormal to do so…

I’m so messed up. I can’t even understand myself. Emotions and thoughts that I though I could control are out of my grasp, out of my hold. Double check. Double check. I always do that. I always check if it is logical to think this way or that way and I know I am this type of person…always so analytic.

First thing I know, I was kinda ok at school, at Lisboa eating dinner with friends…I came home and realize how silent I was…just like how it always was…like everyday…whenever I’m around people…it almost felt like you’re out of place. It’s like somehow you just don’t belong. I thought I don’t belong at one part but at some point, I didn’t expect, I would feel like it at the whole picture of society.

I couldn’t blame anyone. I just…i just blamed myself. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t open my mouth to say anything. I wish my cheery self, my happy-go-lucky personality will trigger at some point but I was apparently pushing myself. I tried to converse, speak loud and clear but then leads to being interrupted or complete ignorance. Well, I wasn’t treated like I am completely invisible. It felt like I was just at the sidelines. I was just going along for the ride, just eat lunch or eat dinner with them when I’m just so damn quiet.

I wish I was my hyper self….that girl in grade school who had no care in the world and with nothing or no one to ruin it. Why does this happen? Why would anyone want to hear me blabber? rant? cry? whatever! After everything I have seen through my entire life, it just felt like everyone is just selfish…no one cares. There would be people who say they care but they just lie. Ever since…ever since…I can never trust anyone. I don’t know who turn to…even though they say I can talk to them and such…it’s just…it’s just so fucking hard.

No one will do what I do to them. I have always been Ms. goody good. My mom always tells me “You’re too nice, Meg”. I wasn’t for long.  My mind was never nice….to me at  most. It is getting worse day by day. I don’t know how I can live through this. I have always been nice. It’s because I care for them. I just care too much. I wanted to love someone in order to be loved back. I didn’t know that but I have a feeling that’s what my intention was…absent-mindedly.

I remember a quote saying that I should do good things without expecting anything in return. I have been doing that all my life. All my life…but at some point, my mind just snapped. I was looking at reality. That was a quote. a quote. In here, it’s just so hard to ignore the fact doing these things without anything done in return…just makes me feel like I’m used.

I have always allowed myself to have people open up to me. In my heart, I just hate it when someone close to me, so close to me suffer such depression, such frustration, such problem. When someone I care gets depressed, I guess, I might’ve been depress but right above the line. When I can’t do anything, I just cry…cry all night until i fall asleep.

If you’re reading this, you might be one of those people…or maybe that one person…I wanted to reach out but it’s just so hard when you’re this kind of person to talk to and it’s hard to make you understand how much I want to help you, how much I care for you. You don’t know how much it hurts to see you suffer and I couldn’t get a fucking way to make you fucking listen and get it into your fucking head. Please listen! Would you stop thinking about how much you’re all fucked up when you can just open your eyes and see that someone is there standing helplessly at the side, wanting to comfort you.

One day, I realized how poor I was…how poor for me to be someone who would listen to your problems and help you in anyway I can…give advice that I know would help you…I thought of it as a game but at the same time with such huge sympathy and empathy all together…but as I look over myself…right at this room…what can make it worse if I were to stand in the middle of the room, crying tears of loneliness and pain. Sad image. How fucked up…

I got no one to talk to…

I know…even though you tell me I can talk to you about everything I am going through…I just can’t. I am so messed  up. I will forever be. You like it huh? Yeah, you tell me that I should stop thinking such but let’s face reality…let’s face the truth for once. I can never be cured. I am so damn fucking weird, different, and just plain–…. I just don’t want to talk because I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day. I don’t wanna burst someone’s mood. I don’t wanna ruin a happy feeling you’re getting…I don’t wanna get you all messed up along with me. You’re not worth it. I know, it’s so lame for me to think so. I’m sorry…

Tired aren’t ya? Tired of trying to put up with me? Tired of how hard headed I am. I’m sorry…

It’s just so hard to live on with so many voices in your head, with so many people living in you… but…I know I want something that I just don’t allow myself…

I just wish…

I wish I can scream. I wish I can run away. I wish I can just breathe. I wish I can be normal. I wish I can speak fluent tagalog, I wish I can be my cheery all the time, I wish the voices are gone…I wish someone is there I can talk to, I wish someone would embrace me until the pain just goes away, I wish someone understands me, I wish someone can relate to me, I wish someone would let me cry on his shoulder, I wish someone tells me everything is gonna be okay, I wish someone tells me I can trust him, I wish someone would make it go away, I wish someone would comfort me, I wish someone who doesn’t care of how messed up I am inside and out, I wish someone is there for me…

but that’s impossible…no one would do that especially when I’m just…nothing much in the crowd…

I’m just invisible…useless…

I’m so messed up…

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One response

  1. Beautifully done meg! It’s Ashley.. WordPress really does help release stress doesn’t it?

    December 17, 2011 at 12:04 am

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