the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Emy

Empty Mess

I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know! I was tired all day. I was anxious all day. I heard voices all day. I was waiting. Waiting for the time where they are there for me. I was waiting for that moment where I know everything will be alright. They always make it better. First thing was I looked fine but in the inside I’m just agonized by these voices popping in my head. I controlled myself, aware that the people I love are around me…I just don’t want them to see me like this. They had enough to deal with. There are some who I know are so selfish to even bother me so why show how much I’m suffering when they just don’t fucking care.

This is so frustrating! So FUCKING frustrating! I hate this! I this so much! Why do I have to go through this? Mixed emotions and all that damn shit. I wish they would go away. I prayed to God to take my emotions all away. I could not take it. But I know he won’t because he wanted me to live with them….and it would be abnormal to do so…

I’m so messed up. I can’t even understand myself. Emotions and thoughts that I though I could control are out of my grasp, out of my hold. Double check. Double check. I always do that. I always check if it is logical to think this way or that way and I know I am this type of person…always so analytic.

First thing I know, I was kinda ok at school, at Lisboa eating dinner with friends…I came home and realize how silent I was…just like how it always was…like everyday…whenever I’m around people…it almost felt like you’re out of place. It’s like somehow you just don’t belong. I thought I don’t belong at one part but at some point, I didn’t expect, I would feel like it at the whole picture of society.

I couldn’t blame anyone. I just…i just blamed myself. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t open my mouth to say anything. I wish my cheery self, my happy-go-lucky personality will trigger at some point but I was apparently pushing myself. I tried to converse, speak loud and clear but then leads to being interrupted or complete ignorance. Well, I wasn’t treated like I am completely invisible. It felt like I was just at the sidelines. I was just going along for the ride, just eat lunch or eat dinner with them when I’m just so damn quiet.

I wish I was my hyper self….that girl in grade school who had no care in the world and with nothing or no one to ruin it. Why does this happen? Why would anyone want to hear me blabber? rant? cry? whatever! After everything I have seen through my entire life, it just felt like everyone is just selfish…no one cares. There would be people who say they care but they just lie. Ever since…ever since…I can never trust anyone. I don’t know who turn to…even though they say I can talk to them and such…it’s just…it’s just so fucking hard.

No one will do what I do to them. I have always been Ms. goody good. My mom always tells me “You’re too nice, Meg”. I wasn’t for long.  My mind was never nice….to me at  most. It is getting worse day by day. I don’t know how I can live through this. I have always been nice. It’s because I care for them. I just care too much. I wanted to love someone in order to be loved back. I didn’t know that but I have a feeling that’s what my intention was…absent-mindedly.

I remember a quote saying that I should do good things without expecting anything in return. I have been doing that all my life. All my life…but at some point, my mind just snapped. I was looking at reality. That was a quote. a quote. In here, it’s just so hard to ignore the fact doing these things without anything done in return…just makes me feel like I’m used.

I have always allowed myself to have people open up to me. In my heart, I just hate it when someone close to me, so close to me suffer such depression, such frustration, such problem. When someone I care gets depressed, I guess, I might’ve been depress but right above the line. When I can’t do anything, I just cry…cry all night until i fall asleep.

If you’re reading this, you might be one of those people…or maybe that one person…I wanted to reach out but it’s just so hard when you’re this kind of person to talk to and it’s hard to make you understand how much I want to help you, how much I care for you. You don’t know how much it hurts to see you suffer and I couldn’t get a fucking way to make you fucking listen and get it into your fucking head. Please listen! Would you stop thinking about how much you’re all fucked up when you can just open your eyes and see that someone is there standing helplessly at the side, wanting to comfort you.

One day, I realized how poor I was…how poor for me to be someone who would listen to your problems and help you in anyway I can…give advice that I know would help you…I thought of it as a game but at the same time with such huge sympathy and empathy all together…but as I look over myself…right at this room…what can make it worse if I were to stand in the middle of the room, crying tears of loneliness and pain. Sad image. How fucked up…

I got no one to talk to…

I know…even though you tell me I can talk to you about everything I am going through…I just can’t. I am so messed  up. I will forever be. You like it huh? Yeah, you tell me that I should stop thinking such but let’s face reality…let’s face the truth for once. I can never be cured. I am so damn fucking weird, different, and just plain–…. I just don’t want to talk because I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day. I don’t wanna burst someone’s mood. I don’t wanna ruin a happy feeling you’re getting…I don’t wanna get you all messed up along with me. You’re not worth it. I know, it’s so lame for me to think so. I’m sorry…

Tired aren’t ya? Tired of trying to put up with me? Tired of how hard headed I am. I’m sorry…

It’s just so hard to live on with so many voices in your head, with so many people living in you… but…I know I want something that I just don’t allow myself…

I just wish…

I wish I can scream. I wish I can run away. I wish I can just breathe. I wish I can be normal. I wish I can speak fluent tagalog, I wish I can be my cheery all the time, I wish the voices are gone…I wish someone is there I can talk to, I wish someone would embrace me until the pain just goes away, I wish someone understands me, I wish someone can relate to me, I wish someone would let me cry on his shoulder, I wish someone tells me everything is gonna be okay, I wish someone tells me I can trust him, I wish someone would make it go away, I wish someone would comfort me, I wish someone who doesn’t care of how messed up I am inside and out, I wish someone is there for me…

but that’s impossible…no one would do that especially when I’m just…nothing much in the crowd…

I’m just invisible…useless…

I’m so messed up…

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When You’re Lonely

Empty Sky
By Simon Wilcox

Don’t
Don’t you stop, hesitate at the door
You’re a country; you’re a village
And I break down at your border

You always close your eyes
When you’re trying to find the answer
You turn to me and smile
“Will you come a little closer?”

You see the skies are empty tonight
But I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
And you’ll believe in things –that you can’t see
Like air, faith, and sometimes me.

Stop.
That’s enough. Yeah, we’ve been here before
You’re a teardrop; you’re an ocean
And I watch you from the shore

You always close your eyes
When you’re trying to find the answer
You turn to me and smile
“Will you come a little closer?”

You see the skies are empty tonight
But I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
And you’ll believe in thins—that you can’t see
Like air, and faith, and sometimes me.

Ohhh, Ohh, Oh,
 I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely

Oooh, Oohh
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely
I’ll surround you (2x)
I’ll surround you when you’re lonely

You see the skies they’re empty tonight
Look at the skies they’re empty tonight
You see the skies they’re empty tonight
They’re empty—tonight

How did I end up listening to this song? I was just looking for the Finale – Danny Elfman audio video in youtube so I can download it but then this song has caught my eye “Empty Sky”. It’s the soundtrack of the movie “Brothers” (Starring Toby McGuire and Jake Gyllenhaal). I thought it would just be an instrumental  but it turns out to be a song.

As a music lover, I love songs because of different reasons and one of them is the lyrics. Mostly I love the lyrics because it has a relation to me. That’s why I kinda made a category named “Lyrical” over here.

This song is a message for a certain person in my life. It’s hard to communicate with him or even comfort him in times when he’s depressed. He gives me that heavy feeling in my torso whenever he is. It’s like…well, it is for the first time to feel this kind of heavy feeling of depression when he’s at that state…even online.

The message kinda tells, in my own want, that I am always here for you when you’re down, depressed or lonely. I know I may be something not that big to you but I will be there for you because I care.

The first underlined sentence up there “Don’t you stop; hesitate at the door”.

He shouldn’t hesitate to come to me in need of comfort. I may not be good at comforting or that much of an eyesight to you but I will still care for you and listen to you when you’re down.

“And I break down at your border”.

This has a way of explaining what I feel if I don’t do anything to help him at his times of depression. I am somehow out of his focus…like he doesn’t know I’m even there to comfort him, to help him. I have a hard time reaching out to him because of the boundary that’s there in front of his eyes. Because of this frustration, all my own mind and impulse can feel is to cry about it or be depressed about it.

I always check myself, ask questions, so as to think the next day that I cried for something worthy of it…not pointless, useless like it was before. I always ask myself about the situation.

“I’ll surround you when you’re lonely. You’ll believe in things–that you can’t see Like air and faith–and sometimes me.

Like I said, I will always be there for him (be there for anyone) when he needs me. I will try and try to reach out to him when he’s lonely, depressed and such. I have already told him that “I’m here for you” but I don’t think he sees me… Hopefully, he’ll realize, know, see things more brightly, and even see me at a different light…that I’m not only a sideline friend but someone who’s always there for him.

“Yeah, we’ve been here before”

This has always happened. He’s not the only one who feels down at times like these.

“You’re a teardrop; you’re an ocean And I watch you–from the shore”

Same thing but in a new view. I see him as someone fragile yet amazing at the same time. He’s someone ideal and great in his own ways. Although, as he becomes fragile, hurt, depressed or even lonely…I just watch him and feel so crushed inside to do so….wanting to help him but I don’t know why I hesitate. You’re just too big, too complex, too complicated for me to understand that I don’t know how to approach in your times of downcast, depression.

I don’t want to see you, feel you in pain again.

I’ll surround you, be there for you, when you’re lonely.


The Same Mistake and The Tugging Strings

[Warning: Super long…have time to read this. Please do :)]

Well, uhm….sigh…

yes…I’m in love. I couldn’t confirm it. I’m still confused. Then why do I say that I am. I don’t know. It just—felt like it. As all I know, that’s how they describe this particular feeling. How love can actually be. What’s wrong with saying it? I sound uptight, right?

Uhm…you see…I just don’t favor it anymore. In the past, I fall in love with always the wrong guy.

This may be a dragging post. Something about love and what not. Well, this isn’t the kind that’s disgusting and dramatic…like those of twilight and all that crap. This is not a love story…maybe soon will be…I don’t know. I don’t know what God has planned for me—my thoughts and my feelings for this guy. Ugh…this is just…lame.

Again, I don’t favor love—romantic love—anymore. Uhm, no…I have never…ever been in to a relationship. Never. Never ever in my entire life. No. Before, listening to that was kinda…a sad thing for me. Now? Sigh, it’s just a small tug on the heart but you’ll never see me crying the life out of me. Just a tug.

Just a tug.

When I was young, I kinda think that having a love of your life was the one thing that only matters in this world. As I see it now, people holding hands and showing a small touches of love in public, well, yeah, it shows…everywhere. Before, I was always jealous. I was always dragging myself down. I was always downcast. I was always alone in my room, crying tears of loneliness. How dramatic that life was.

But now—it’s just a tug at the heart. Just a small tug.

Just a tug.

This love I felt for this person as I have stated…it’s so different than those I felt before. Very…very different. Seriously…I can compare it to my past crushes. This was the latest. This was the most unique experiences in my entire life—of love. Guh…that sounded…bleh!

Anyway, I can tell you why. Why this guy is different than the others. It’s so obvious what the differences are—if you are me, it’s quite a heart felt realization. In the past, I always have a crush on guys who are, of course, gwapo (handsome) and has this aura of wanting to impress him and what not. All girls experience this…I guess. It was always like that for me.

In grade school, I was in love with the campus crush in our school. Competition I’ll say. In that time as I have remembered, I think that didn’t even matter as long as I try to get his attention and gaze over him. Yeah…I was kinda the shy type. But I do remember trying to get along with him, staring at his wonderful sketches of trees, listening to him play guitar, hearing him sing one of those Linkin Park songs, acting, and what not. When all the while he’s seen as a negative to some of my girl friends, I was crushing over him. They see him in a bad way because he was such a show off. Well, yeah, I guess in that time, that still didn’t matter to me at all.

It was then until everyone found out about my silly secret…and I never want to show my face ever again in school. Well, hello, he’s the campus crush for heaven’s sake! What do you think? But I had no choice, I have to go to school. As soon as I walked into the classroom, tension rises. His glare was enough to make me feel all small and idiotic.

That was when I was grade 6. Thankfully, we parted as we go on to high school. I’m sure that I didn’t set it up in my mind not to let that happen again. How childish my mind could be. I was over it. I was gonna let him go. Although, he was there in the same high school as I….yet, I didn’t mind him…just a bit of peeks here and there of what he’s doing and that was all. I was having a crush with other guys after all.

One year after another—

The same mistake happened when I was around…1st year? 2nd year? I don’t know….and I have to admit…I was so fucking stupid (sorry for the language). VERY. I was so damn dragged by impulse. I sent a freaking love letter to him. Through friendster pa! Argh!!! That was so effing stupid!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Sigh…and the past repeated itself over again.

Before he received that message, he would joke around with me at small times. He would joke about making libre and all that. After I sent him that message, I was so conscious when I felt his presence…when I just see him. Unlike my crush in grade school, he just…stared. Or rather—glanced.

I remember the 1st time we met after I sent him that message. I was on my way to the canteen. When a few feet away, he was with a couple of guys going on the same direction as I am. I felt all frozen. My breath hitched and switched into taking deep, scared breaths as I walk carefully to the canteen and keeping my eyes at him. Alas, when he made eye contact with me, I can see the recognition in those eyes. It tells. He read it. He knows…guh, I’m so damn freaking stupid.

Ever since that stupid effing incident happen, I hate myself. And yeah, you may have guessed it…it affected my self-esteem. It affected of how I see myself. How weird I am. How much of a freak I am. I guess…that’s when another part of my happy-go-lucky, carefree self from elementary was plucked harshly away from me. I guess I can never promise my past friends…that I would stay the way I am. How could I when I these kinds of things happen to me and I can’t control myself… Yeah, that was the main catalyst of my change. Love. Fucking romantic love.

No, it’s not that everyday is the same focus…love.love.love.love. Oh please…that’s overreacting. If that was the case, then I won’t be in college at all. And yet again, after that incident, I still searched for…love. It’s that same mistake. No….not again. The mistake of not putting it in my head…that I should stop going by my impulse when it comes to…these things.  I know that my impulse is different than the usual Filipinas do. Those years…I wasn’t thinking…I wasn’t thinking hard enough. I wasn’t thinking that there is so much better things in life than finding “true” love.

I realized that the hard way.

I guess it’s because my mind was such a child, so naive…so stupid. It was in college. Yeah, another year…another damn crush. He was good. He was kind. He was handsome, yeah. I was friends with him. Not that super duper close like we can relate to each other. We just like each other’s company…I guess. Maybe that’s what I thought. He was kinda different than the other crushes I had. Just kinda. Because of him, I used group messages (gm) as a way of getting his attention.

Sigh, again, silly me. It was then this one night…he replied to my gm. Well, not really…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. After I sent that, I was guessing his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that. When my cellphone rang, I picked it up and…bang. How coincidental. It really happened. His girlfriend broke up with him. I was in shock…and slowly, I became excited…thinking this was a sign that God is giving me. This is it. Of course…I have never been in a relationship, although, I know what rebound meant. In that time, I wasn’t thinking.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid… Gm after Gm.

And just right in the middle—it was my 17th birthday. It was night time. My family and I were about to leave the house for a birthday dinner out. An unknown number called me. I answered it anyway. To my surprise, it was him. I was overwhelmed by the situation. Idiot.

He just realized it was my birthday and he called just to greet me. I asked him why use call? Huh…he said he is using unli call. He usually does it daw to call his girlfriend.

Fudge…you know, it got me all giddy inside.

Text after text. It then reached to the point where I was lost in my thoughts and all I had was impulse. I go for it. I swallowed my nervousness and texted him.

It was awkward.

I said it…then he said it…and he was like… “what? you love me?” Fuck. I didn’t say anything else after that. My mind was all dizzy.

It was the enrollment for the 2nd sem. I was so tensed. I was so paranoid. I tried to dress well…to look well. So when I meet him…well, yeah, I would…look good to him (Guh– ). My girl blockmates from 1st sem. 1st year college were with me, waiting in (a long)  line to get our PTA, Study load, and grades. I was having a conversation with them. All of a sudden, one of them called out his name. After a second, my heart was plummeting. I turned to the direction to where he is, not knowing what to expect.

I was getting ready for the eye contact. His eyes recognizing mine. That certain spark. That knowing…the wait is over. When we did—I don’t know what freakin’ curse word can describe what I felt in that moment.

I felt…crap…shit I guess. I was pathetic. He just gave me the same eyes. Those same eyes. No whatsoever.

Throughout the ride, I was depressed…mad…both at him and at myself.

Soon, he was just so annoying. He teases more than the usual. He just looks at me at the same way. There was nothing. Nothing at all. It just hurt. I was being used. I was there for him and he just used me to replace the pain, to try to replace her. He used me.

What kind of friend is he? He said it! But—guh! Damn it!

Months passed…

I had few crushes here and there but they were nothing painful or…that much of a big event.

Until—it happened.

I’ve only known him since last year. We weren’t that close before. Now, we are. Just this year…it just happened. I fell in love with him. He was…God…he was extraordinary. The feeling was so damn different. It was…a big blow.

It was the same thing though…I try to get his attention…that’s just it. But—like I said, he was 100% different. Why?

Why?

We’re friends. We’re close. We talk more than the talk I have with my crushes. With my past crushes, it’s hard for me to look at them in the eyes or even maintain a good conversation. With him, it’s just different. I can make eye contact with him as long as I could. I can have good conversations with him.

He would smile when he catches me looking at him or just make a funny face of joy or something like that (and that makes me smile even wider). We can relate to each other; what we like, hate, do, and what not. We are kinda the same. We find ourselves weird.

I can see that he has the same problem with me in society. Like example, we try to make a joke but they just don’t get it. It’s either the way we describe it or they just don’t understand it. I have gone through that (Although, I’m just afraid to tell things to him or to anyone if I just have the same experiences or likes or hates with him/her because they’ll think I’m a copycat or something just to fin or get his attention).

The one thing I like about between us is when we laugh at each other’s jokes, we just don’t care if we’re the only ones laughing or if people look at us weirdly. It’s just a warm feeling about it.

He was different…just because of how close we are. When we first met, I didn’t find him attractive right away…just because of physical flaws here and there. This year…something about him just…hit me. Charisma? I-I don’t know. He just did something to make me feel this way. The way we relate to each other…? I don’t know. He’s just…wonderful.

For the first time in my l–love life(?), I didn’t fall in love because of his looks. I fell in love…with who he is. Just being him.

But with this new angle, with this new perspective…there’s just new experiences to explore.

The most of it…were about my feelings towards him and the things going on between us. It was more tense. More than I have ever felt before.

It was…I was very aware of it. I was quite focus on him during the times spending time with our friends. I would mind him more time to time. I would feel conscious. I would try to get his attention. I would try to be close to him, although, I don’t make it obvious…like when I want to sit beside him but someone got the seat first, I don’t push myself. That would be plain weird…and obsessive of some sort *shivers*.

I would…be jealous of girls with him..so easily. Especially those who have known and been with him way before I came along. It was depressing to know that. Especially this one girl who would hold him by his arm or try to play with him like he’s her boyfriend. Some of the reasons I feel sad about between us. Guh…so..over! Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s just a..yeah, a small tug.

I was once overly depressed when I don’t get his attention. Sigh…that…was pathetic.

Lastly, I would…care for him. I would care for his physical being…and mostly, his well being. When he’s hurt…in the inside…I would be so concern of him that I would disrupt my nervousness of even chatting with him online.

I just…I just don’t want him hurt. I don’t want him depressed. When he’s depressed, I get depressed. I would always ask myself why do you feel this way. Why feel depressed when it’s not happening to you? Why feel this way for him?

I just care for him.

I only met him last year.

But the one thing that just…bothers me…was his belief… He has the somewhat same perspective when it comes to love. I don’t want to explain further.

I don’t know…but it just destroys the whole thing of trying to get him to like me. So much for listening to mom’s advice: waiting for the right person.

But…after those days of depression and…yeah, chasing him, I became like Tom in (500) days of Summer. That thought of knowing that there is more to life than finding the right person.

It happened…last night…or the other night. I cried about him. There was just pain right inside my body. I know that I was really crying tears of sadness and depression. My world just shut down. I forgot why…but I think it’s another one of those reasons where I think that this love for him was another joke in my life, happening again.

I call my past crushes as jokes of love.

This was heart throbbing.

For the first time, I was in this state of confusion..the same way those characters in the movies feel about someone they know…but it was love. I didn’t know what’s this confusion…it just messes me up…badly. I cried…and it made me end up to a place I don’t want to be in.

After that time of hurt, a huge realization dawned over me…just like Tom in (500) days of Summer. Why is this a big deal in my life?

And more importantly, I only met him last year. Just wait. But don’t let him go. We need more time. One year and several months aren’t enough for us. We need more time to spend with each other. We need to learn each other, talk to to each other…more and more as time passed.We need to get to know each other more and more.  Just as friends…let it flow until…maybe, something will happen. Don’t know what…or maybe not.

Ever since…I became numb, empty whenever I meet him, see him, or feel his presence. I only feel…this tug.

Just a tug.

I thought yesterday was fine…I was doing well in taking my mind off those thoughts about him especially when he’s there with me. I was doing so well. I thought I was. Until—at night, last night…he was tweeting depressing stuff. Like I said, I will forever be concern about his well being. I was too late. I just knew when I just check up on my twitter after typing in wordpress.

I wanted to chat with him…but he was not online in facebook. That night was dramatic. With the song playing and the frustrations and depression rising. All the while, I was asking God why is this happening.

“Everything was going well. Everything was fine…why does this have to happen. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”

And it goes on and on. Tears streaming down my face. My body wracking heavy breaths. I didn’t mind my condition in both my physical and mental state. I was trying to communicate with him but he was already getting ready for bed…gonna sleep in his depressed state.

And with that, I fell asleep depressed, crying all the way until to the darkness in thy sight. When I woke up, I was in that place I don’t ever want to be in again.

Well…yeah, I’m in process. I still…like him. love him…w-whatever.

Why do I? Once again, not because of how he looks…but because of who he is. in all my life, he’s way different than the guys I know from my past. He’s way nice….and awesome! 😛 Hahaha…

I just hope…and enjoy life. I’ll just enjoy spending time with him. I couldn’t rush things. Why the fuck would I when I only met him last year. Not long enough between us I guess. There were wonderful memories here and there but we need more to get to know each other.

If I tell him…then I don’t know what will happen.

So I take the time to spend time with him without him knowing how I truly feel for him. At least, without him knowing, I still have this friendship with him.

If he knows and he would be like the others, stare, glare…or avoid, I don’t know what will happen to me.

It seems…through the rest of the days…I would just feel that tug…unlike those painful, heavy hearts I carried before. This is less painful…I guess…it may feel heavy but I control myself. Think well. It would just be a tug. A small tug.

Just a tug on those strings.


Meloxemy; different voices

Why?

This is always the question I encounter to almost every moment of my life. I’m sure everyone agrees so in their lives. It’s that complex question…it’s so complicated to answer and maybe just hard to tell it so.

I encounter this one word, this one question whenever something bad went wrong, whenever I did something wrong, suddenly, intentionally, accidentally, unusually, –in whatever way.

Mostly, for me—this question always comes up when it pertains to purpose. It is quite the same number of times being asked when I did something I didn’t want to happen, either it’s not what I planned or not what I meant to happen.

Purpose.

I have always wanted to write in a blog long time ago. I think I started around in late grade school or maybe in high school. I would start one up in blogger, as it was introduced to me by my dad. I was digging it until after a few posts, I stopped…a very very long period of time. I guess there’s just this part of me who’s such a procrastinator itself.

But I always want to write down all my thoughts. Every part of it. Being a multi-personailty at mind, I tend to have more thoughts than the usual mind can say or take rather.

Now, I always write my thoughts in a notebook…or rather, notebooks.I have lots of them. I have a thing for these. I think I was created to love them without any reason. Well, just one thing for sure, and that’s writing.

In this blog, I will write everything. No regrets. No holding back. But I wont keep my promise of showing any identities. When it’s something that serious, I’d like to keep it hidden—make a symbol rather than it’s true name. When I say that, I mostly mean people’s names. Well—yeah…

Although, there’ll be that shift of emotions, tones, beats, voices–all in all, shift of personalities.

So, this is a way for me to escape. To stop all these voices in my head. To give my mind its relief. To give myself a sanctuary of expression without much judgement from relatives and I will never make that mistake of having this blog known. Because anyway,  no one knows my complete story. All the thoughts inside my head (which are too many).

My mom always say “You’re too nice, Meg”. Well, it’s true. I hate to admit. After a turn of events in my past, I changed. I am not that “too nice” anymore. I know the limits of being nice to people. Although, the things in the past changed the way I am, of course. It always happens to everyone. Though…for me, it affected the way I talk to people.

Trust issues.

The only thing that has never been robbed away from me by my past…was my want to fix people. Fix? Fix, you wonder? Yes—fix people. Yeah, the word kinda’s inspired by the famous song of Coldplay (one of my favorite bands) named Fix You. It actually depends on how close to the person or the people. I am no good at comforting, but still—I want to fix. I want to help. I could not bare the thought of how much my close friends are under such burden or problem.

I care too much for them.

I remember I did one—intervention. Risky. Heart racing. Nerve wracking. Somehow, I hesitated going through it because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it won’t work out. Even though they said it’s not, I would still say it is my fault. I want to fix. I want no more conflict. Even though I was afraid, I got to take this leap of faith. For them…

I love them too much.

Why am I talking of these? My past? My issues? My fixes? My risks?

It’s because I realized something. And it’s the one, main thing why I wanted to put this blog up. I realized I was always alone. I always let friends express themselves. I always encourage them to tell everything. No holding back. I was always there for them. I realized about myself… Always alone to talk all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, all of my problems, all of my pains, all of my insights, all of cries—-everything. It’s only the person who can understand herself. I have no one to talk to.

How lonely…

When I realized this, I cried about it. I have never expressed myself fully to anyone…but me. Always talking to myself alone in my room. Yes, sad, isn’t it? No need of your pity. It’s useless. If you know me, and you’re reading this. Ask yourself…do you care?

I would always say, “Of course not”. In this century, in this time, people have been selfish…in terms of caring people. Sigh—what am I saying? –Although…how about the ones I try to fix? Do I think you care? After trying to fix you, helping you in your troubles and your conflicts? Do I think I will be given the same treatment?

No…it’s the way how this world plays. I know right?

I just…love you too much. Tears shed and all…knowing what I’m doing is selfless and knowing that never in return…the one thing I know in the back of my mind, I need.

Love.

So this blog exists. As I have said, I’ll write every feeling, every thought, every pain, every hurt, every tear, everything as much as I can put words into it.

These thoughts are  in my mind. Mine and Emy‘s.

Just want to escape. Just want to express. Just want it all placed. Just want it all out.

Anyway, who would care to read about my life?

No one.

well, have fun with the folios…art and all 🙂