the unusual events of my different lives at a catalyst

Posts tagged “life

The Host (Movie)

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“Kiss me like you want to get slapped.”

– Wanda/Wanderer (in Melanie’s body)

Ah, I’ve been longing for a good post of a single review for a long time. I’m sure my blog even was longing for it too.

Recently, I have watched a lot of movies and I didn’t have a hard time in picking from which movie will I start. Somehow I wasn’t wanting to watch this and at the same time I want to. I guess it was out of curiosity that I was quite waiting for this movie to come out. Although, I am slightly taken aback for the fact that this was based on the novel written by the same author who wrote the overly luscious (to me, way before) and the famous vampire saga of all teenage time.

Just when my mum and I had time in our hands, my dad and bro in our capital city, and my mum longing for that bond we should always have, we decided to watch his movie which apparently, I have chosen it for us (instead of It Takes a Man and a Woman). Then with the large popcorn of cheese in between our seats and the  big screen in front of us, we were ready to zone out to the movie.

IF you don’t want to be spoiled and just want to know how good the movie is then please skip this part. **SPOILER ALERT**

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Summary:

Earth has been inhabited by an intelligent alien species known as “Souls.” Although an incredibly peaceful race, Souls can only survive by being inserted into a host body, taking control of their minds. In an effort to discover the secret whereabouts of some of the last remaining human resistances, the Soul Wanderer has been inserted into the human being Melanie Stryder (Saoirse Ronan), who was captured while attempting to locate her family. After insertion, Wanderer comes to realize an unsettling fact- Melanie has not faded away in consciousness, and in fact is putting up walls in her mind to prevent her family from being found. As time passes and Wanderer tries to break Melanie’s walls, she begins to feel sympathetic toward the humans Melanie loves so dearly- her brother Jamie (Chandler Canterbury) and her partner, Jared Howe (Max Irons). Wanderer becomes torn between loyalty to her own race, trying to give information to the argumentative Seeker assigned to her, and her blossoming love for the humans in her memories. As Wanderer’s and Melanies trust builds, they embark on a journey through the desert to find the resistance, nearly dying in the process. Wanderer awakens to find herself captive in the den of the enemy, and realizes her problems have just begun: the humans want her dead, the doctor wants to experiment on her, she may have accidentally lead the Seekers here, and she has become hopelessly in love with Jared, the man who belongs to the human she occupies. What follows is an inspiring story of friendship, love, and loyalty in which the bonds of human brotherhood are tested, and an alien discovers that in all the planets in the universe she has experienced, humans are the only race she would give her life to save. . . .

**

First off, I want to make myself clear. It’s sad to say though that I haven’t read the novel that Stephenie surprisingly written. Know for a fact that I was planning to but as time passed by, management of money was difficult and so was saving money. Apparently, with that, I couldn’t tell if the Director, Andrew Niccol, has ever brought justice to the book. I know. I know. I can hear some of you lot saying that it’s really better to read the book before you watch its movie. Honestly, to all you bookworms, I have abided to that rule ever since (except for Harry Potter though. Haha). This just kinda broke the record.

Anyhow, I thought of the movie quite alluring. It had that side sci fi to it. But anyway, it is alluring in a way that I wouldn’t doze off like how “some” people I know would (which is quite unsual for me to happen in a movie house). Again, I don’t know if the movie too brought justice to the book in terms of their actors and their acting.

I must say that Saoirse Ronan (acted as Melanie Stryder) really looks good in acting her role..though, I’m not exactly sure when it comes to just being a voice in the head. I don’t know why..maybe it’s just me, but don’t get pulled out because of that. For most, she at least brought us to laughter by how her voice tells her reaction to situations like when Wanda/Wanderer would kiss Ian (Jake Abel), Melanie’s voice was that of anger and it was funny to watch and listen. There are more of those and it came out nicely. It gives a side comedy to the film.

For the rest of the cast, I found out that there are some faces who are new in the industry and yet would bloom because of this film as supposed so. Well, we’ll never know that a pedestrian in the film would be a huge star the next. Of course, there’s always newbies per film production. If I’m wrong..then what I mean to say is most of the time there are newbies. Haha. Or sometimes…or..urgh!

The transitions of the scenes are great and understandable unlike a few films where there’s a jump and gaps unfilled and only left to stare at them on how the heck it would be like connected and in its glorious form. In English, at least, the movie is unlike those that jump from one scene to another without seeing any motivation or such drive to the next scene you’re seeing (you would have that “huh?” face).

There are scenes that brought some drops rolling down my cheeks because it touches the subject of “letting go”, sacrifice which is caused by love. Wanda, a foreign life form in the human race, had that connection with the humans where in the end, she would even sacrifice herself. Ugh. Such an ache in the heart and I just can’t! *cries quietly* This is what happens when you’re attached or you relate to the characters (but that ain’t a bad thing).

Ok. *sniff* Let’s talk about the texture of the movie. What I mean by texture is well…I always see that each movie has some kind of different feel or look and that’s what they call or I may call as the texture of the movie. I just like to point that out because even if it sounds insignificant, it actually affects how we see the movie, how real would it look like for us or how much it affects our imagination. You know, it’s a boost up point  in those horror or gore movies that makes us flinch.

One example, for a thriller/gore genre, is Final Destination. In all of the FD movies (and most gore movies), their similar texture is that of sharpness. Clear. The sharpness and clarity emphasizes the goriness of the film. Our inward or outward flinching would always be active. It wouldn’t make us flinch though if we put the texture that Twilight uses,  a hazy, misty look. No, nope, not a flinch when we watch Bella bleed after being bitten by a vamp (although, the texture became different in the next sequels because they were made by a different production team). Not a good texture for a Final Destination film. Just pragmatically speaking.

Anyway, after such a short lecture, let’s go back! The texture of The Host was sharp yet soft, clean and–I don’t know what correct term to use–bright. Bright in a way it makes the technology look more scifiish. Haha. It’s kinda similar to Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief…I think. I’m just rather commenting on how I see it and maybe bright may not be the right term. If you get to see the film, comment me of what may be the supposed correct term of what I meant..and even suggestions of the texture.

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The costumes were nothing much I should meddle about. They were able to bring out the difference between alien overshadowed humans and normal humans. Apparently, the different kinds of sets were great and there was no confusion of where they are and how it affects the transition. Although, there are some where I feel that it was held in a closed space. Like where they were outside and it feels or looks like it’s in a big room filled with trees and a bunch of grass. I can point out one scene where the Seeker and Wanda were alone outside talking to each other (this is before Wanda & Melanie ran away). It just looks like a room. Well, other than that, in addition, the texture of the film was able to emphasize the futuristic tech of the aliens in the set.

Last but not least, music has brought justice to the film. The background music wasn’t much of a bother. It has supported the film well enough. The only thing bothering me was for them to use Radioactive – Imagine Dragons as one of their music. Although, I’m starting to accept it as an okay.

For not reading the book and just heck watched the movie out of curiosity, I found it one of the best sci-fi romantic films I have ever seen, not that I haven’t watched any movie even related to that genre (and lo’ and behold, I can’t recall a film).

I would surely recommend you guys to watch this *winks* It’s worth it.

Much love,

Megan x

 

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So Much Things Going On

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Alrighty then. I know what you’re thinking right now. OH! Look at missy i-thought-she-aint-posting-anymore girl. She’s posting already some…posts! (chuckles) Well, give me some  time as I slowly peep in and out of the hole I’ve been living in the writing wonderland. From time to time, I was thinking of writing some more posts but it always ends up in drafts (and now most of them have been deleted). So, no way am I starting anew or anything like that. Well, I was planning but that’s just darn right tiring.

You see, thrid year college here in Xavier University of Cagayan de Oro city in the Philippines (I’m sorry that was too sophisticated, I’m keeping up my writing juices :p), it’s typically tough…especially when you’re 19 years old, a Business Administration, Finance Major, and a Company Manager (we prefer to call it like that but majority of the school population and others refer to it as “President”) of the university’s resident theater organization (yes pressurepressurepressure). Surely, if you’re in my shoes, you know how hectic my schedule is that I got no freakin time to update my blog D: how sad..

Ok! After such a tiring third year, it’s SUMMER! Dance everyone! Whoop! Yes, it’s summer here in the Phil! Everyone’s been waiting for this. Now I can have some writing done, reading novels done, video editing done…and yeah (all…hopefully) done. Despite the fact it’s summer, I’m still busy as the Company Manager of our theater organization, Dulaang Atenista [DA] (have I ever mentioned before this org—oh, yeah, I did). We did some strategic planning, and at the moment, had some meetings with the officers, Artistic Director and some (or few *shrugs*) committed members.  More meetings to come! Hectic I tell ya! But at least this is only focusin’ on theater *smiles* love! love!

We are planning some summer activities and also plans for our upcoming 25th season! OHMYGUSH! DA is turning 25! And I’m the CM and I’m— *dead* (faints rather lol) So many things going on this year! Not only for my theater organization..but my life here and now, this year! Ah! Good and bad! A lot of things!

Hold up! Before I could tell you what I’m gonna encounter this year…

Since my love for One Direction has grown, I began to delve into the fanfiction guild of the fandom. Let me tell ya, I have come up a lot of ideas..as in, a LOT of ideas! You should’ve seen my notebook (…of ideas). And the first idea, I surely want to focus on. It has come up to the point where I made a trailer of it. Although, it was supposed to be a sneak peek but it turn out longer than expected. I made it in one of those nights where I didn’t feel motivated to write (writer’s block). Unexpectedly, I finished it around 3 in the morning, I think. And come to think of it, I was winging with the clips, music and audio/voice-overs. You know, random! Right now, it’s already attracting a lot of Directioners and I shyly appreciate the comments about how nice it is (especially the comments where they said they cried watching it. ohmygush seriously?). The said fanfiction I was talking about is called “For The First Time“.

It’s a Niall Horan Fanfiction. I posted the trailer last year and now everyone’s been begging for me to post the story. Here’s the thing, I haven’t finished chapter one yet. Again, my college life is one hectic and rough ride. At least now, since it’s summer, I get to write. The creative feels and writer’s block is not helping me much though but it’ll be all good soon. After the For The First Time trailer, I made another trailer for a One Direction fanfiction of mine called Stolen Shot. 

I have more ideas but they’re never fully plotted or there’s no full gist you know. But anyway, because of the outcome of my trailers, other than comments in posting those fanfics, I was requested to do a trailer for a fellow directioner who’s following me in twitter. She’s sweet. The challenge though about her trailer was that I didn’t get to read her fanfiction in that time because it was Brazilian. I gave her my promise like I think, 2 months or a few weeks before I released her trailer. It was called “Querido Harry (Dear Harry)“.

Once she saw it, she was glad and it was what she envisioned. Although, I didn’t feel the enthusiasm because she was using all small caps. Eh, psychology in the text gets me. I didn’t get her full name though but you can see her or even follow her on twitter (click) and check out her story (click). It’s Brazilian though so make sure to use Google Translate…or whatever *smiles*

Ok! Now transitioning to what I’m going to encounter this year…!!

First..Ever since I posted the trailer, I had requests coming in. Right now, I have five requests. FIVE REQUESTS! Can’t you believe it?? (Although, I’m just prioritizing  four requests only) I’m starting to get worried that I might disappoint these people because I still have so many things to do. Although, I promised to push myself this summer into finishing these requests before summer’s over. Oh lawd asdfghjkl

These are 1D trailer request messages in my youtube inbox

These are just three 1D trailer requests messages in my youtube inbox

Next, one of the other things that I’m busy with, other than theater and making some trailers, I am focusing on writing my (already mentioned) fanfiction, For the First Time. I have been receiving a lot of “When is it posted?”, “Where can I read it?”, and “Where is it? I can’t find it” comments. It’s like majority of the comments. It didn’t bug me but I’m just annoyed that my creativity flows never have the right timing with my life schedule. When I finally have free time, I won’t have this motivated or inspired feeling to write (gush, this is so sad..).

I hope I won’t be like myself in the past where I do have lots of fanfiction ideas in a notebook or two for Danny Phantom (fan of it before, *whispers* even had a crush on the character *cough*) and never had much progress. Surely, my fanfiction account is long gone. I have to bring it to myself that I have to keep on writing and motivate myself. ‘Cause, what the heck, I want to be an author soon so I have to get a good move on.

For me to inspire myself, I thought of going to a place where I could breathe good vibes and linger in an atmosphere of the feels I want for my story or the feels that I needed to get my hands creating a satisfying story.  I then remembered Chingkeetea where I usually hang out with one of my closest best friends in the theater org.

In my first writing day there, it was quite noisy and I wasn’t satisfied with the partial outcome of my story (the prologue). I even tweeted about it, the ‘went to Chingkeetea’ part. And VOILA! Chingkeetea’s twitter account replied to me to come at 10 am to do writing because that’s when they open. Meaning it’s still peaceful and quiet, not much people around.

Surely, I found my sanctuary for writing, other than my room. My thinking bean bag doesn’t do much. It just makes me fall asleep. Or so it does when it’s night time. Hehe.

The thing about Chingkeetea is the good feel vibes (when there’s no people around) and the songs they play. I always hear And The Boys – Angus & Julia Stone play whenever I enter the milk tea shop. They play from Angus to Regina Spektor. It gives me that feel that I feel when I see those vintage kind of photos I see on Tumblr.

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To even add to my inspiration tank before I enter my “sanctuary” (kudos!), I even once in the first few days, went to a book store, and a convenience store. Plus, when in my “sanctuary” (lol) I gave my character’s name, Anna, instead of my real name so when the employees writes it in the milk tea plastic cup and call the name, I would feel that I am the character. It sounds weird but it helps.

ok...make that EMILY..

ok…make that EMILY..

(I mistakenly called myself EMILY instead of Anna in this time so yeah…whoops..)

I had some company though in some days but I found out that it’s better when I’m alone because I get distracted. That annoys my inspiration tank.

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I can tell you more of my writing journey in Chingkeetea in another post. So moving forward!

Well, as you can see the LATE POST REVIEW, that goes to show I’m still doing reviews in the books I read, the movies I watch, the music (especially the new)I listen and the news I hear. I’ll try my best to do that after every time I do those things. I’ll also be rearranging some things in the blog especially the categories I made. Anyway, soon, I’ll be posting my reviews on The Host, It Takes A Man And A Woman, and Olympus Has Fallen. 

Yes! Wow..

I can see though that I’m taking quite a long time when I write my posts but fear not, I am planning to make a vlog, mostly on the parts where I have to make reviews. Oh good gracious me, I can’t believe I agreed to that thought. You’re going to see my face! Ack!

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And speaking of blog & vlog stuff…if you’re not a Directioner or not into One Direction then skip this *stares*…

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This year, I am also planning to make another blog (not here in wordpress) for my One Direction—ness. HAHA. I have grown in love with these boys that I figured that I won’t lose my interest in them at all. The boy band feels is a new thing to me. It is nothing compared to being a fan of a rock band called Linkin Park. Nope. The British boy band is not like my everyday life when I was in love with the hardcore rock band (Although, I still love that rock band. Gush, can’t believe I’m into such variety of music).

What I envisioned for the design of the blog would be like made out of drawings and YES, I would have a drawing self. And I’m surely bound to have some kind of signature look…especially in my vlogging times. A hair clip maybe? HAHA I don’t know.

doesn't look exactly likes this though..

doesn’t look exactly likes this though..

In my One Direction blog, I would be updating of what the boys are doing, but mostly giving out my reviews and reactions them in my vlog videos. Not only will I post about what the boys are doing but the situation in the Directioner fandom like in twitter, tumblr, facebook and even in youtube. I’ll be suggesting some creative and great music videos, fanfictions, artwork and etc. made by fellow direcitoners that I found.

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And of course, I’ll also be posting and updating my fanfictions, videos, and whatsoever. I hope I’ll do well in this *smiles* My blog plan would be to post every once a week. I hope that schedule would work out..and I hope my schedule in my 4th year in college won’t destroy my plans. I hope for the best. ESPECIALLY, when the 1D movie is going to be out! OHMYGUSH! Woah, Meg, calm down. Don’t want your fangirling to annoy the readers….sorry..

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OK, NON-DIRECTIONERS! YOU CAN COME OUT NOW! Just some words to say..

Well, that’s all the updates and the stuff that’s going down this year. YES! SO MUCH THINGS GOING ON! Whoop! I hope I can finish the things I promise myself to before summer’s over. If I don’t, I’m going to be so frustrated about myself.

Take care guys! God bless!

Comment if there’s things you don’t understand or if you have any questions (And no, I didn’t even say “only”).

Much love,

Meg xx

peace


MAGIS Awards 2012: Unexpected

“Magis Awards 2012…Achievement for Cultural & Artistic Excellence…Dulaang Atenista…DRAMA??”

Unexpected…yes, unexpected because I was just invited…and I didn’t expect anything…Ok, that didn’t sound right…redundant…Haha. Way to go for the girl who loves writing but didn’t write for a long period of time! Ugh, this is what I get..

Anyway…I’ll break it down..

I was so busy this week. Seriously, it’s summer! I know! But hey, that’s what you get for joining an organization. Well, I’m not angry about it. I have to face it. It’s a way of facing reality you know. When I have a job and what not…and well, I enjoy being in the organization…they’re family to me and their presence is ever unusual comparing to the presence of my close blockmates. Unusual in a good way.

Going back..

Our outgoing company manager gave me an invitation to the Magis Awards 2012. I asked why when I have never entered as such last year. He explained that I was the incoming company manager so I have to join and witness this event. It makes sense. I generally found out that we didn’t enter as nominees. So we expect to just sit back and watch the show on stage….just witnesses.

Oh, forgot…for those who doesn’t know what the Magis Awards 2012 is, it is an event in our school, Xavier University – Ateneo de Cagayan, where students and faculty will receive awards for doing more in what they do. By the word Magis, it means to strive more, to do more; to do things with an effort of more than 100%. Yeah, an Achievements awards night…well, we have to fill up and pass a form to be one of the nominees.

Kuya JC, our company manager, invited also Sheila, Yves & Fia to come with us to the said event. Regretfully, I forgot to text Fia about it but she was able to come with us for a short while before she went off to meet up with her sister.

The attire was eccentric! Well, not really…found it cool but the term was unfortunately new to me, Neo-Victorian. I realized that’s what Panic! At the Disco wore in one or two of their music videos. I kinda prepared my outfit at the day of the awards night. My mom, days before, already prepared an outfit for me but at the day of the awards, she just then researched how it actually looks like. So, we have to change my outfit.

Thankfully, I already have in my wardrobe and what’s just missing are lacy gloves and fishnet stockings. I have to buy them after my meeting with the officers and our artistic director in the afternoon. Good thing the meeting was short and it was all about our venue and such for our strategic planning days after that day. What a busy life, huh?

I directly went out of school and went to a certain store my mom told me to go to so I can buy my black lacy gloves and fishnet stockings. At the end of the hunt for those items, I was able to have black fishnet stockings but no proper gloves. I did buy gloves but they were white and included the fingers. Although, after such regretful feeling of ever absent-mindedly buying it, I planned to be creative…you know, cut out the finger parts and dye it black. Hahaha…I can use this for future outfits to come! And…I’m not being emo. I’m just being the rebellious type.

Anyway, night time, back at school, I got to meet up with all of them. We were all wearing our attire with the same color, black. Haha cool. I am so sure that they are wearing better outfits than what I was wearing. I just don’t like my top that’s all. I love the torso part, corset look and all but it’s kinda sleeveless and it has this simple ruffles at it and it points straight out that it emphasizes… my arms. Ugh…

Ok, stopped my whining…

When we arrived outside the little theater, I liked how they placed the rectangular lanterns, tracing the red carpet leading to the doors of the event. There were big posters on the walls for picture taking. Like…we’re literally on the red carpet but it was kinda dim when the lanterns are your only light source.

When we entered the little theater, my eyes widened by the effort done in the decorations. The ceiling. The  slit brown doors at the sides. They were all covered. I know it’s supposed to be like that. But after all my months, days of going in and out of the little theater, I have never ever seen it like this. The stage of course was fascinating. It kinda remind me of my debut as noticed by Yves.

We took our seats and we waited for the program to start. As usual, it doesn’t start on time; “Filipino time”. Kuya JC had to leave to attend a meeting. I was left with the three girls, my three “sisters”. Haha we had a thing going on among us and our artistic director. He’s kinda like our “father” and we are his daughters. Haha the whole thing is amusing. We’re a unicorn family since one of my “sisters” started showing the music video. Haha it was fun at being such.

Anyway, Yves got up too just to get a copy of the flow of the program. When she returned, I borrowed it from her. Seeing over the two column page, it’s going to be a long night. Besides…after the program, we are going to have dinner and reception at the Magis roof deck (this time I’m referring to a building Haha).

Scanning over the brochure, I had to stop at one section. My eyebrows raised a bit and I had to blink a couple of times to make sure what’s being shown over the colored paper. It’s really…real, although, I wasn’t actually afraid or shaken about it. No heart raising routines…but I really hope Kuya JC comes back before it happens. His meeting with whoever he is meeting with won’t be that long, right?

The awards started with a Burlesque touch. Girls dancing and one singing like Chirstina Aguilera. Well, not intentionally I guess. She sounds good but the dancers looked like they were making unsure movements. It looks all messy. Well, sorry about that…

The rest of the parts were blurry to me. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t participating…I was kinda lightheaded at that moment. Honest. The atmosphere of the place and the event must’ve gave me some jolt or something. It must be the air or something.

Throughout the program, it was all awards here and there to teachers, organizations, students who contributed in certain things or who started a beneficial program. There’s few who were awarded for their help in the tragedy Sendong like the one who made the “Help CDO” logo that spread throughout the internet locally, nationally and even internationally.

Thankfully, Kuya JC arrived before it happened. Not last minute but long enough before it happens. We were able to show it to him though. He was shocked a bit. We both knew we didn’t submit any forms to be one of the nominees. And yet, there’s our organization’s name under the Achievement for Cultural & Artistic Excellence. I then remembered that the hosts mentioned of connecting with XCCA so I guess that’s why we’re in the list. Our company manager was kinda puzzled. Maybe trying to guess if we would go up stage or not. I was positive that we are going up stage.

And I was correct! Plus, we were the first ones to be called to receive that award. I wasn’t nervous but I was conscious of what I was wearing. Even though I covered up the problem of my bare arms showing with my black jacket, it kinda felt or looked inappropriate or unsuitable. Hell…I try to forget about it. I just added some acting…like I was having colds or something.

I pushed Kuya JC up the stage. When he was shown on the spotlight, some people started cheering. People who knew our company manager I suppose. He waved to them as we went up stage. I didn’t dare look at the audience. I just continued to smile and stare at Kuya JC and the ones who presented our award.

I don’t remember much of Kuya JC’s speech. Sorry. Again, I was lightheaded at that time. All I do remember is he appreciated it and thanked our organization and our artistic director. I wish I could add or help but I didn’t feel that budge or anything. As soon as Kuya JC ran out of things to say, our XCCA head, Sr. Hobart, who presented the award to us, helped us by giving a small coach “Thank you”. Kuya JC and I said it together that made the audience smile and laugh at how funny we looked. We went down and I was eager to sit down and hide.

My mind stopped at the idea when we got to meet the president of our school, Fr. Bobby Yap, along the way. I put on my best smile as he stood up to shake my hand. I responded with a Thank you. I then cheerily went back to our seats with Kuya JC behind me. Hahaha I remember that I was like telling myself and to my “sisters” that I ACTUALLY shook Fr. Bobby’s hand and that I wouldn’t wash it off. Haha how childish of me. I just felt like meeting a celebrity.

We were so glad we won a Magis Award!

Awards and videos ran by after. When it was over, we went up for dinner and entertainment, a Magis Awards plus. The food was great! Haha As a group, our mood was lifting because of the presence of a trophy. A trophy that’s ours. Haha how dramatic.. We texted or rather sent a group message to the rest of the DA members especially Fia, Kuya Ryan (our artistic director), Dennis and Arfil.

The rest of the night was enjoyable and we left as soon as rain started falling  down on us.

Next day, I brought the award to our Leveling Off meeting in the conference room of XCCA. Their faces lighted up when they saw it. We even took a picture of it after our meeting.

We all agreed of the fact that we deserve it. We have given a lot of efforts to our craft, to theater. It’s our passion. By the fact we always go home late, adjust with our busy schedules, deal with different kinds of problems like personal ones and studies, and handle difficulties during performances, we truly deserve a Magis award, an achievement award for doing more in our efforts. And may I add, we’re not Drama, we are Theatre. Char…Haha

Live long, Dulaang Atenista!

Meg


Empty Mess

I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know! I was tired all day. I was anxious all day. I heard voices all day. I was waiting. Waiting for the time where they are there for me. I was waiting for that moment where I know everything will be alright. They always make it better. First thing was I looked fine but in the inside I’m just agonized by these voices popping in my head. I controlled myself, aware that the people I love are around me…I just don’t want them to see me like this. They had enough to deal with. There are some who I know are so selfish to even bother me so why show how much I’m suffering when they just don’t fucking care.

This is so frustrating! So FUCKING frustrating! I hate this! I this so much! Why do I have to go through this? Mixed emotions and all that damn shit. I wish they would go away. I prayed to God to take my emotions all away. I could not take it. But I know he won’t because he wanted me to live with them….and it would be abnormal to do so…

I’m so messed up. I can’t even understand myself. Emotions and thoughts that I though I could control are out of my grasp, out of my hold. Double check. Double check. I always do that. I always check if it is logical to think this way or that way and I know I am this type of person…always so analytic.

First thing I know, I was kinda ok at school, at Lisboa eating dinner with friends…I came home and realize how silent I was…just like how it always was…like everyday…whenever I’m around people…it almost felt like you’re out of place. It’s like somehow you just don’t belong. I thought I don’t belong at one part but at some point, I didn’t expect, I would feel like it at the whole picture of society.

I couldn’t blame anyone. I just…i just blamed myself. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t open my mouth to say anything. I wish my cheery self, my happy-go-lucky personality will trigger at some point but I was apparently pushing myself. I tried to converse, speak loud and clear but then leads to being interrupted or complete ignorance. Well, I wasn’t treated like I am completely invisible. It felt like I was just at the sidelines. I was just going along for the ride, just eat lunch or eat dinner with them when I’m just so damn quiet.

I wish I was my hyper self….that girl in grade school who had no care in the world and with nothing or no one to ruin it. Why does this happen? Why would anyone want to hear me blabber? rant? cry? whatever! After everything I have seen through my entire life, it just felt like everyone is just selfish…no one cares. There would be people who say they care but they just lie. Ever since…ever since…I can never trust anyone. I don’t know who turn to…even though they say I can talk to them and such…it’s just…it’s just so fucking hard.

No one will do what I do to them. I have always been Ms. goody good. My mom always tells me “You’re too nice, Meg”. I wasn’t for long.  My mind was never nice….to me at  most. It is getting worse day by day. I don’t know how I can live through this. I have always been nice. It’s because I care for them. I just care too much. I wanted to love someone in order to be loved back. I didn’t know that but I have a feeling that’s what my intention was…absent-mindedly.

I remember a quote saying that I should do good things without expecting anything in return. I have been doing that all my life. All my life…but at some point, my mind just snapped. I was looking at reality. That was a quote. a quote. In here, it’s just so hard to ignore the fact doing these things without anything done in return…just makes me feel like I’m used.

I have always allowed myself to have people open up to me. In my heart, I just hate it when someone close to me, so close to me suffer such depression, such frustration, such problem. When someone I care gets depressed, I guess, I might’ve been depress but right above the line. When I can’t do anything, I just cry…cry all night until i fall asleep.

If you’re reading this, you might be one of those people…or maybe that one person…I wanted to reach out but it’s just so hard when you’re this kind of person to talk to and it’s hard to make you understand how much I want to help you, how much I care for you. You don’t know how much it hurts to see you suffer and I couldn’t get a fucking way to make you fucking listen and get it into your fucking head. Please listen! Would you stop thinking about how much you’re all fucked up when you can just open your eyes and see that someone is there standing helplessly at the side, wanting to comfort you.

One day, I realized how poor I was…how poor for me to be someone who would listen to your problems and help you in anyway I can…give advice that I know would help you…I thought of it as a game but at the same time with such huge sympathy and empathy all together…but as I look over myself…right at this room…what can make it worse if I were to stand in the middle of the room, crying tears of loneliness and pain. Sad image. How fucked up…

I got no one to talk to…

I know…even though you tell me I can talk to you about everything I am going through…I just can’t. I am so messed  up. I will forever be. You like it huh? Yeah, you tell me that I should stop thinking such but let’s face reality…let’s face the truth for once. I can never be cured. I am so damn fucking weird, different, and just plain–…. I just don’t want to talk because I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day. I don’t wanna burst someone’s mood. I don’t wanna ruin a happy feeling you’re getting…I don’t wanna get you all messed up along with me. You’re not worth it. I know, it’s so lame for me to think so. I’m sorry…

Tired aren’t ya? Tired of trying to put up with me? Tired of how hard headed I am. I’m sorry…

It’s just so hard to live on with so many voices in your head, with so many people living in you… but…I know I want something that I just don’t allow myself…

I just wish…

I wish I can scream. I wish I can run away. I wish I can just breathe. I wish I can be normal. I wish I can speak fluent tagalog, I wish I can be my cheery all the time, I wish the voices are gone…I wish someone is there I can talk to, I wish someone would embrace me until the pain just goes away, I wish someone understands me, I wish someone can relate to me, I wish someone would let me cry on his shoulder, I wish someone tells me everything is gonna be okay, I wish someone tells me I can trust him, I wish someone would make it go away, I wish someone would comfort me, I wish someone who doesn’t care of how messed up I am inside and out, I wish someone is there for me…

but that’s impossible…no one would do that especially when I’m just…nothing much in the crowd…

I’m just invisible…useless…

I’m so messed up…


Don’t come back for me, Don’t come back at all

Jar of Hearts
By Christina Perri 

I know, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You’re lookin’ to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are? 

This is the one song that was following me since my debut and this is the first song I heard from Christina Perri. I thought it was one of those songs I don’t wanna hear. Well, I thought of checking it out and well…I relate to it. Somehow. This was dedicated to the person who introduced me to it. He was the one who sang it in my debut. It’s weird. He’s singing such an anger, heart broken, cheated on song in my debut.

Is he referring it to me? I don’t know with him.

Well, if he is, he’s so wrong…the table is turned in the wrong direction. He’s the one who broke my heart.

Last year—that  time I had a crush on him. I would make group messages just to catch his attention…the quote alone says it so. It would work. He would text me and it would make me smile. It felt like I was floating, winning…but quite near…just near. Then, this one time, it was few days before my 17th birthday…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. I guessed, it was because his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that.

My cellphone rang and I picked up. Well, what do you know! Such a coincidence. His girlfriend broke up with him. In that time, I was feeling excited, thinking this was a sign God is giving me. It turns out to be a different. On my birthday, as my family and I were leaving for a birthday night out to LKK, an unknown number called. I picked it up anyway. It was actually him.

The shy girl that I am, I was talking…somewhat…awkwardly. He just called just to say “Happy Birthday”. What girl wouldn’t be giddy about a guy calling her to say that? He said one of our friends reminded him and so he had to call. When I was in the car, I asked him why call me when he could just post in facebook or something. That’s when impulse started to develop once more. He told me he’s using UNLICOMBO, in this case, UNLICALL…and he usually uses it to call his ex-girlfriend. . .guh.

I may be disgusted now…but in that time, I was dying inside. I felt hope…but that wasn’t it. We were texting each other at that night. The main event, the climax, happened when my family and I were back home from a night out in Figaro (not on my birthday; sembreak). We exchanged a conversation that started in a mood for confessions. I don’t know what I was thinking. Right now, I couldn’t even remember what really happened or what we said to turn up into this now known bad memory.

All I know was I said it…in a way but not in those three words. He was the one who first said it. “Ok, goodnight. Ily, meg“.

Stunned.

I said mine. “Goodnight, ILY too”

Shaking.

“What? You love me?”

Breaking.

“You said it first”

Awkward.

Dying.

“Never mind. Forget what I said, A*****” —-and that’s what I said. I sent those last two text messages. He didn’t reply. That was a Saturday. I was so impulsive, so stupid.

I was paranoid all the time when we were gonna enroll for the 2nd semester. My girl friends and I were lining up to get our PTA, Study Load, and Final Grades. We were just talking to past the time and not get irritated by the heat, and the waiting.

It was then he arrived. I froze. When one of my friends called out his name, my heart started feeling heavy at one second. I turned to him hesitantly. I waited. I waited for that recognition from his eyes. I waited for that difference between us….but that was hoping…too much hoping.

There was that difference…but not the difference I expected. He recognized me but then only leaving his first conversation after that incident a strange one. “Hi, Meg” He was giving that small smile. It was that same smile that was given to me when someone knew…and I know it will turn out bad…it always does for me.

And there I was…awkward in his presence. Awkward when I look at him, meet him, talk to him. I was dying. All that time, I knew it was…rebound. He used me. He thought of me as his ex-girlfriend just to heal the pain. He was pretending that I was her…through text. I was nothing to him. I was just…someone there to heal him.

I was used.

Now, we are still…friends. But never the same closeness with the special people in my life…of course. He sounded flirty at me once, days before my debut…but that was nothing to me anymore. He didn’t look attractive to me anymore. He’s now just a guy in my life who I know but nothing special…but just someone who reminds me of what I was like if I don’t be careful.

I don’t blame God. He was trying to show me another reality in life. It hurts…but I have grown stronger now. It has developed me. Unfortunately, this has also overwhelmed my trust issues. No one would collect from my jar of heart and use me. I hate being used. It drives me out of thinking of my purpose. It hurts to know that someone who I know just wants to use me for their own benefits. I don’t want that again.

I am someone…I’m a person. A reality.


The Same Mistake and The Tugging Strings

[Warning: Super long…have time to read this. Please do :)]

Well, uhm….sigh…

yes…I’m in love. I couldn’t confirm it. I’m still confused. Then why do I say that I am. I don’t know. It just—felt like it. As all I know, that’s how they describe this particular feeling. How love can actually be. What’s wrong with saying it? I sound uptight, right?

Uhm…you see…I just don’t favor it anymore. In the past, I fall in love with always the wrong guy.

This may be a dragging post. Something about love and what not. Well, this isn’t the kind that’s disgusting and dramatic…like those of twilight and all that crap. This is not a love story…maybe soon will be…I don’t know. I don’t know what God has planned for me—my thoughts and my feelings for this guy. Ugh…this is just…lame.

Again, I don’t favor love—romantic love—anymore. Uhm, no…I have never…ever been in to a relationship. Never. Never ever in my entire life. No. Before, listening to that was kinda…a sad thing for me. Now? Sigh, it’s just a small tug on the heart but you’ll never see me crying the life out of me. Just a tug.

Just a tug.

When I was young, I kinda think that having a love of your life was the one thing that only matters in this world. As I see it now, people holding hands and showing a small touches of love in public, well, yeah, it shows…everywhere. Before, I was always jealous. I was always dragging myself down. I was always downcast. I was always alone in my room, crying tears of loneliness. How dramatic that life was.

But now—it’s just a tug at the heart. Just a small tug.

Just a tug.

This love I felt for this person as I have stated…it’s so different than those I felt before. Very…very different. Seriously…I can compare it to my past crushes. This was the latest. This was the most unique experiences in my entire life—of love. Guh…that sounded…bleh!

Anyway, I can tell you why. Why this guy is different than the others. It’s so obvious what the differences are—if you are me, it’s quite a heart felt realization. In the past, I always have a crush on guys who are, of course, gwapo (handsome) and has this aura of wanting to impress him and what not. All girls experience this…I guess. It was always like that for me.

In grade school, I was in love with the campus crush in our school. Competition I’ll say. In that time as I have remembered, I think that didn’t even matter as long as I try to get his attention and gaze over him. Yeah…I was kinda the shy type. But I do remember trying to get along with him, staring at his wonderful sketches of trees, listening to him play guitar, hearing him sing one of those Linkin Park songs, acting, and what not. When all the while he’s seen as a negative to some of my girl friends, I was crushing over him. They see him in a bad way because he was such a show off. Well, yeah, I guess in that time, that still didn’t matter to me at all.

It was then until everyone found out about my silly secret…and I never want to show my face ever again in school. Well, hello, he’s the campus crush for heaven’s sake! What do you think? But I had no choice, I have to go to school. As soon as I walked into the classroom, tension rises. His glare was enough to make me feel all small and idiotic.

That was when I was grade 6. Thankfully, we parted as we go on to high school. I’m sure that I didn’t set it up in my mind not to let that happen again. How childish my mind could be. I was over it. I was gonna let him go. Although, he was there in the same high school as I….yet, I didn’t mind him…just a bit of peeks here and there of what he’s doing and that was all. I was having a crush with other guys after all.

One year after another—

The same mistake happened when I was around…1st year? 2nd year? I don’t know….and I have to admit…I was so fucking stupid (sorry for the language). VERY. I was so damn dragged by impulse. I sent a freaking love letter to him. Through friendster pa! Argh!!! That was so effing stupid!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Sigh…and the past repeated itself over again.

Before he received that message, he would joke around with me at small times. He would joke about making libre and all that. After I sent him that message, I was so conscious when I felt his presence…when I just see him. Unlike my crush in grade school, he just…stared. Or rather—glanced.

I remember the 1st time we met after I sent him that message. I was on my way to the canteen. When a few feet away, he was with a couple of guys going on the same direction as I am. I felt all frozen. My breath hitched and switched into taking deep, scared breaths as I walk carefully to the canteen and keeping my eyes at him. Alas, when he made eye contact with me, I can see the recognition in those eyes. It tells. He read it. He knows…guh, I’m so damn freaking stupid.

Ever since that stupid effing incident happen, I hate myself. And yeah, you may have guessed it…it affected my self-esteem. It affected of how I see myself. How weird I am. How much of a freak I am. I guess…that’s when another part of my happy-go-lucky, carefree self from elementary was plucked harshly away from me. I guess I can never promise my past friends…that I would stay the way I am. How could I when I these kinds of things happen to me and I can’t control myself… Yeah, that was the main catalyst of my change. Love. Fucking romantic love.

No, it’s not that everyday is the same focus…love.love.love.love. Oh please…that’s overreacting. If that was the case, then I won’t be in college at all. And yet again, after that incident, I still searched for…love. It’s that same mistake. No….not again. The mistake of not putting it in my head…that I should stop going by my impulse when it comes to…these things.  I know that my impulse is different than the usual Filipinas do. Those years…I wasn’t thinking…I wasn’t thinking hard enough. I wasn’t thinking that there is so much better things in life than finding “true” love.

I realized that the hard way.

I guess it’s because my mind was such a child, so naive…so stupid. It was in college. Yeah, another year…another damn crush. He was good. He was kind. He was handsome, yeah. I was friends with him. Not that super duper close like we can relate to each other. We just like each other’s company…I guess. Maybe that’s what I thought. He was kinda different than the other crushes I had. Just kinda. Because of him, I used group messages (gm) as a way of getting his attention.

Sigh, again, silly me. It was then this one night…he replied to my gm. Well, not really…he texted that he was sad. I asked why. After I sent that, I was guessing his girlfriend broke up with him. I even added a joking laugh at that. When my cellphone rang, I picked it up and…bang. How coincidental. It really happened. His girlfriend broke up with him. I was in shock…and slowly, I became excited…thinking this was a sign that God is giving me. This is it. Of course…I have never been in a relationship, although, I know what rebound meant. In that time, I wasn’t thinking.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid… Gm after Gm.

And just right in the middle—it was my 17th birthday. It was night time. My family and I were about to leave the house for a birthday dinner out. An unknown number called me. I answered it anyway. To my surprise, it was him. I was overwhelmed by the situation. Idiot.

He just realized it was my birthday and he called just to greet me. I asked him why use call? Huh…he said he is using unli call. He usually does it daw to call his girlfriend.

Fudge…you know, it got me all giddy inside.

Text after text. It then reached to the point where I was lost in my thoughts and all I had was impulse. I go for it. I swallowed my nervousness and texted him.

It was awkward.

I said it…then he said it…and he was like… “what? you love me?” Fuck. I didn’t say anything else after that. My mind was all dizzy.

It was the enrollment for the 2nd sem. I was so tensed. I was so paranoid. I tried to dress well…to look well. So when I meet him…well, yeah, I would…look good to him (Guh– ). My girl blockmates from 1st sem. 1st year college were with me, waiting in (a long)  line to get our PTA, Study load, and grades. I was having a conversation with them. All of a sudden, one of them called out his name. After a second, my heart was plummeting. I turned to the direction to where he is, not knowing what to expect.

I was getting ready for the eye contact. His eyes recognizing mine. That certain spark. That knowing…the wait is over. When we did—I don’t know what freakin’ curse word can describe what I felt in that moment.

I felt…crap…shit I guess. I was pathetic. He just gave me the same eyes. Those same eyes. No whatsoever.

Throughout the ride, I was depressed…mad…both at him and at myself.

Soon, he was just so annoying. He teases more than the usual. He just looks at me at the same way. There was nothing. Nothing at all. It just hurt. I was being used. I was there for him and he just used me to replace the pain, to try to replace her. He used me.

What kind of friend is he? He said it! But—guh! Damn it!

Months passed…

I had few crushes here and there but they were nothing painful or…that much of a big event.

Until—it happened.

I’ve only known him since last year. We weren’t that close before. Now, we are. Just this year…it just happened. I fell in love with him. He was…God…he was extraordinary. The feeling was so damn different. It was…a big blow.

It was the same thing though…I try to get his attention…that’s just it. But—like I said, he was 100% different. Why?

Why?

We’re friends. We’re close. We talk more than the talk I have with my crushes. With my past crushes, it’s hard for me to look at them in the eyes or even maintain a good conversation. With him, it’s just different. I can make eye contact with him as long as I could. I can have good conversations with him.

He would smile when he catches me looking at him or just make a funny face of joy or something like that (and that makes me smile even wider). We can relate to each other; what we like, hate, do, and what not. We are kinda the same. We find ourselves weird.

I can see that he has the same problem with me in society. Like example, we try to make a joke but they just don’t get it. It’s either the way we describe it or they just don’t understand it. I have gone through that (Although, I’m just afraid to tell things to him or to anyone if I just have the same experiences or likes or hates with him/her because they’ll think I’m a copycat or something just to fin or get his attention).

The one thing I like about between us is when we laugh at each other’s jokes, we just don’t care if we’re the only ones laughing or if people look at us weirdly. It’s just a warm feeling about it.

He was different…just because of how close we are. When we first met, I didn’t find him attractive right away…just because of physical flaws here and there. This year…something about him just…hit me. Charisma? I-I don’t know. He just did something to make me feel this way. The way we relate to each other…? I don’t know. He’s just…wonderful.

For the first time in my l–love life(?), I didn’t fall in love because of his looks. I fell in love…with who he is. Just being him.

But with this new angle, with this new perspective…there’s just new experiences to explore.

The most of it…were about my feelings towards him and the things going on between us. It was more tense. More than I have ever felt before.

It was…I was very aware of it. I was quite focus on him during the times spending time with our friends. I would mind him more time to time. I would feel conscious. I would try to get his attention. I would try to be close to him, although, I don’t make it obvious…like when I want to sit beside him but someone got the seat first, I don’t push myself. That would be plain weird…and obsessive of some sort *shivers*.

I would…be jealous of girls with him..so easily. Especially those who have known and been with him way before I came along. It was depressing to know that. Especially this one girl who would hold him by his arm or try to play with him like he’s her boyfriend. Some of the reasons I feel sad about between us. Guh…so..over! Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s just a..yeah, a small tug.

I was once overly depressed when I don’t get his attention. Sigh…that…was pathetic.

Lastly, I would…care for him. I would care for his physical being…and mostly, his well being. When he’s hurt…in the inside…I would be so concern of him that I would disrupt my nervousness of even chatting with him online.

I just…I just don’t want him hurt. I don’t want him depressed. When he’s depressed, I get depressed. I would always ask myself why do you feel this way. Why feel depressed when it’s not happening to you? Why feel this way for him?

I just care for him.

I only met him last year.

But the one thing that just…bothers me…was his belief… He has the somewhat same perspective when it comes to love. I don’t want to explain further.

I don’t know…but it just destroys the whole thing of trying to get him to like me. So much for listening to mom’s advice: waiting for the right person.

But…after those days of depression and…yeah, chasing him, I became like Tom in (500) days of Summer. That thought of knowing that there is more to life than finding the right person.

It happened…last night…or the other night. I cried about him. There was just pain right inside my body. I know that I was really crying tears of sadness and depression. My world just shut down. I forgot why…but I think it’s another one of those reasons where I think that this love for him was another joke in my life, happening again.

I call my past crushes as jokes of love.

This was heart throbbing.

For the first time, I was in this state of confusion..the same way those characters in the movies feel about someone they know…but it was love. I didn’t know what’s this confusion…it just messes me up…badly. I cried…and it made me end up to a place I don’t want to be in.

After that time of hurt, a huge realization dawned over me…just like Tom in (500) days of Summer. Why is this a big deal in my life?

And more importantly, I only met him last year. Just wait. But don’t let him go. We need more time. One year and several months aren’t enough for us. We need more time to spend with each other. We need to learn each other, talk to to each other…more and more as time passed.We need to get to know each other more and more.  Just as friends…let it flow until…maybe, something will happen. Don’t know what…or maybe not.

Ever since…I became numb, empty whenever I meet him, see him, or feel his presence. I only feel…this tug.

Just a tug.

I thought yesterday was fine…I was doing well in taking my mind off those thoughts about him especially when he’s there with me. I was doing so well. I thought I was. Until—at night, last night…he was tweeting depressing stuff. Like I said, I will forever be concern about his well being. I was too late. I just knew when I just check up on my twitter after typing in wordpress.

I wanted to chat with him…but he was not online in facebook. That night was dramatic. With the song playing and the frustrations and depression rising. All the while, I was asking God why is this happening.

“Everything was going well. Everything was fine…why does this have to happen. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”

And it goes on and on. Tears streaming down my face. My body wracking heavy breaths. I didn’t mind my condition in both my physical and mental state. I was trying to communicate with him but he was already getting ready for bed…gonna sleep in his depressed state.

And with that, I fell asleep depressed, crying all the way until to the darkness in thy sight. When I woke up, I was in that place I don’t ever want to be in again.

Well…yeah, I’m in process. I still…like him. love him…w-whatever.

Why do I? Once again, not because of how he looks…but because of who he is. in all my life, he’s way different than the guys I know from my past. He’s way nice….and awesome! 😛 Hahaha…

I just hope…and enjoy life. I’ll just enjoy spending time with him. I couldn’t rush things. Why the fuck would I when I only met him last year. Not long enough between us I guess. There were wonderful memories here and there but we need more to get to know each other.

If I tell him…then I don’t know what will happen.

So I take the time to spend time with him without him knowing how I truly feel for him. At least, without him knowing, I still have this friendship with him.

If he knows and he would be like the others, stare, glare…or avoid, I don’t know what will happen to me.

It seems…through the rest of the days…I would just feel that tug…unlike those painful, heavy hearts I carried before. This is less painful…I guess…it may feel heavy but I control myself. Think well. It would just be a tug. A small tug.

Just a tug on those strings.


Meloxemy; different voices

Why?

This is always the question I encounter to almost every moment of my life. I’m sure everyone agrees so in their lives. It’s that complex question…it’s so complicated to answer and maybe just hard to tell it so.

I encounter this one word, this one question whenever something bad went wrong, whenever I did something wrong, suddenly, intentionally, accidentally, unusually, –in whatever way.

Mostly, for me—this question always comes up when it pertains to purpose. It is quite the same number of times being asked when I did something I didn’t want to happen, either it’s not what I planned or not what I meant to happen.

Purpose.

I have always wanted to write in a blog long time ago. I think I started around in late grade school or maybe in high school. I would start one up in blogger, as it was introduced to me by my dad. I was digging it until after a few posts, I stopped…a very very long period of time. I guess there’s just this part of me who’s such a procrastinator itself.

But I always want to write down all my thoughts. Every part of it. Being a multi-personailty at mind, I tend to have more thoughts than the usual mind can say or take rather.

Now, I always write my thoughts in a notebook…or rather, notebooks.I have lots of them. I have a thing for these. I think I was created to love them without any reason. Well, just one thing for sure, and that’s writing.

In this blog, I will write everything. No regrets. No holding back. But I wont keep my promise of showing any identities. When it’s something that serious, I’d like to keep it hidden—make a symbol rather than it’s true name. When I say that, I mostly mean people’s names. Well—yeah…

Although, there’ll be that shift of emotions, tones, beats, voices–all in all, shift of personalities.

So, this is a way for me to escape. To stop all these voices in my head. To give my mind its relief. To give myself a sanctuary of expression without much judgement from relatives and I will never make that mistake of having this blog known. Because anyway,  no one knows my complete story. All the thoughts inside my head (which are too many).

My mom always say “You’re too nice, Meg”. Well, it’s true. I hate to admit. After a turn of events in my past, I changed. I am not that “too nice” anymore. I know the limits of being nice to people. Although, the things in the past changed the way I am, of course. It always happens to everyone. Though…for me, it affected the way I talk to people.

Trust issues.

The only thing that has never been robbed away from me by my past…was my want to fix people. Fix? Fix, you wonder? Yes—fix people. Yeah, the word kinda’s inspired by the famous song of Coldplay (one of my favorite bands) named Fix You. It actually depends on how close to the person or the people. I am no good at comforting, but still—I want to fix. I want to help. I could not bare the thought of how much my close friends are under such burden or problem.

I care too much for them.

I remember I did one—intervention. Risky. Heart racing. Nerve wracking. Somehow, I hesitated going through it because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it won’t work out. Even though they said it’s not, I would still say it is my fault. I want to fix. I want no more conflict. Even though I was afraid, I got to take this leap of faith. For them…

I love them too much.

Why am I talking of these? My past? My issues? My fixes? My risks?

It’s because I realized something. And it’s the one, main thing why I wanted to put this blog up. I realized I was always alone. I always let friends express themselves. I always encourage them to tell everything. No holding back. I was always there for them. I realized about myself… Always alone to talk all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, all of my problems, all of my pains, all of my insights, all of cries—-everything. It’s only the person who can understand herself. I have no one to talk to.

How lonely…

When I realized this, I cried about it. I have never expressed myself fully to anyone…but me. Always talking to myself alone in my room. Yes, sad, isn’t it? No need of your pity. It’s useless. If you know me, and you’re reading this. Ask yourself…do you care?

I would always say, “Of course not”. In this century, in this time, people have been selfish…in terms of caring people. Sigh—what am I saying? –Although…how about the ones I try to fix? Do I think you care? After trying to fix you, helping you in your troubles and your conflicts? Do I think I will be given the same treatment?

No…it’s the way how this world plays. I know right?

I just…love you too much. Tears shed and all…knowing what I’m doing is selfless and knowing that never in return…the one thing I know in the back of my mind, I need.

Love.

So this blog exists. As I have said, I’ll write every feeling, every thought, every pain, every hurt, every tear, everything as much as I can put words into it.

These thoughts are  in my mind. Mine and Emy‘s.

Just want to escape. Just want to express. Just want it all placed. Just want it all out.

Anyway, who would care to read about my life?

No one.

well, have fun with the folios…art and all 🙂